IVF Update

We met with the RE today to go through the consent signing process, get our protocol calendar, and make our initial payment. We sat down and answered questions like "What should we do with your frozen embryos if you both die?" and "You understand the risks of Ovarian Hyperstimulation, Ovarian Cancer, Multiples and IVF Failure rates?". Fun stuff. Basically, we decided with any worst case scenario, we were prepared. We understand the risks, we are ready to take a chance and we understand that it isn't a sure bet.

The embryo questions were pretty straight forward. The only option I didn't like for any of the embryo decisions was "dispose of the embryos". I think this is the point where it hit me. We are making babies here. It's not just a scientific experiment to see what happens, a failure of nature that occurs in my womb every month, but a miracle that takes place in a small petri dish in a lab. We (and the embryologist) are helping God along and creating life. Heavy stuff. I don't know at what point I would consider it a "baby" but as soon as those cells start dividing, it is human tissue, and a potential life.

It's starting to sink in. I never thought we would get to this step. IVF to me was for women who were older, or had major medical issues, or something. It's hard to believe that we are ready to take this step now, even though with our combination of problems it is about our only chance of having a baby. We have a 50% chance with IVF with ICSI, and our chance of multiples is about 30%.

We also got our Protocol schedule. I will take my last BCP on Saturday (good riddance! I am blaming them for my current bloated/fat feeling) and go in for my first u/s on Wednesday. On Thursday, if everything is clear, we start Stims. I will be doing 225 on the Follistim pen for two days, and then drop down to 15o after that. The RE is afraid of hyperstimulation since it happened last cycle of IUI.

Stims should be about 9 days, with Egg Retrieval approximately August 10th. We also will do 2-5 days of Ganirelix to prevent premature egg release.

There are other drugs (antibiotics, aspirin, prenatal vitamin and extra folic acid supplement) too, but not as important. We also got a copy of the egg retrieval/embryo transfer procedures, but they are too much to worry about right now.

I'm ready to get started! I guess technically as soon as we started the BCPS, we were doing an IVF cycle. Somehow, I think it will feel more real when I start sticking myself with needles.

I'd like to live in theory. . .

I don't really have any big news on the IVF front right now, I'll do an update on the little stuff soon. In the meantime, I have to share my obsession, my love, my time wasting hobby. . .The Sims.

I first fell in love with the Sims after graduating from college. I go through phases of not caring about them and then being obsessed with them. I've noticed a pattern. At points in my life where I feel the most out of control, I spend more time with them. They have a world I can control, I choose who they date, who they marry, who they are friends with, how many kids they have. I make them shower, cook dinner, pee, and have sex (sorry - Whoo hoo). I've also discovered that I'm a bit of a control freak. This interested tidbit came not from how much time I spend playing with them, but how I can't handle letting DH play with them.

I think I'm laid back and flexible most of the time. But I hand over my laptop, and find myself micromanaging. "DH, that one needs to go to work, I think she needs a nap, you need to water the plants or they will die." Usually after about 5 minutes of me reaching anxiety stage, I can't take it anymore, and take the laptop back. Because he's not playing them right. Right? It's not a pretty part of my personality, but admitting it has to be a first step in something.

A guy I knew in college had this line as his email signature. "I'd like to live in Theory. Everything always works there." Well, I'd like to propose the following reasons why some days I'd rather live in Riverblossom Hills. You know, in theory.

1. No Sim is dealing with infertility. Nope, if I want them to, I can have them pop out like 12 children. They never miscarry, have low beta numbers, or get put on bedrest. They just get pregnant, spend three days being pregnant and pop out a baby. All of my Sim families are humongous. I'm a little obsessed with the babies. Also, no one accidentally gets pregnant and then brags about it, since infertility doesn't exist unless I will it to be so.

2. To get a Sim pregnant, you have them hop into bed with a male Sim, and they "Try for Baby." When they are successful (usually the first or second time) there is a little song that plays so you know. What a fabulous thing that would be in real life. No 2ww, no waiting to miss your period, forget beta numbers, just have sex and while you're cuddling afterward, there could be that little song. I admit to actually laughing out loud having this thought after babymaking attempts with my husband (me with my hips propped up, probably during the "visualize conception" stage of innocence). He never thought it was quite as funny as I did.

3. You can make friends with anyone you want just by admiring them and hugging them. You invite them in off the street, make them something to eat, and they can stay and hang out until you are friends. Once they are your friend, they always come to your parties and they come over to help when you have a new baby. Real life friends are a lot fussier.

I could probably go on, but I'd probably lose readers if I kept going. Just know that if you don't see me online much the next few days, its because I'm busy trying to recolonize after losing all my old Sims in the great Laptop Crash of '08. It was getting a little crowded anyway.

Needles and Vials and Pills, Oh My!

So my IVF drugs came in the mail today. . .not nearly as bad as I have seen, but Holy Cow! Certainly more than I have ever taken in a month. Most of it looks easy, but the 1 1/2 inch needles that go with the PIO shots are scary looking. That's the only one I'm freaked out about. I'm so glad we at least did a Follistim cycle last month so the subcutaneous needles are looking like child's play.

I start on BCPs tonight (and really, how ironic that an IVF cycle starts with Birth Control Pills?) and take them for two weeks. I guess I can officially say that our IVF cycle starts now!

The obligatory photo:
I was going for artistic?

Here we go!

Update: She's here!

My schedule:

Start bcps: Thursday, July 10
Saline Ultrasound and Trial Transfer: Monday, July 14
Consent signing and drug class: Monday, July 21
Estimated ER/ET: week of August 10

Now I'm nervous!

Dear AF,

Okay, so I posted this on my local board, but I felt it was blog-worthy.

Dear AF,

I would like to kindly extend an invitation for you to come and visit. I know that in the past year and a half you haven't often felt like a very welcome visitor in this house, but I would like to change that now. You would honor us with your presence, and we will welcome you with alcohol, ice cream and anything else you would like.

I would also like to kindly ask that you stop messing with me. You can no longer fool me into thinking I might be pregnant, so the cramps on and off need to stop or be productive. Also, the uh-oh feeling that has me rushing to the bathroom thinking my underwear is in danger only to find nothing isn't really funny. Maybe the first time, but no one is laughing now. So, if you could please come for a visit very soon, I would be happy to see you. Then, we'd be happy to kick your ass out for another 9 months or so.

Hope to see you soon!
JenM

PS - Really, this isn't funny. You made me pee on a stick yesterday that I KNEW was going to be negative, and I refuse to do it again. I don't know what you're doing, you know there is no progesterone here, so what's the holdup? I am ready to start bleeding damn it!

No More Fairs for Me

Yesterday, we spent the day with DH's family. We went to Kentfest in the afternoon to see family and eat fair food, and then went back at night for the fireworks. I've decided - no more fairs for me. For that matter, I think I will be avoiding the following:

-All fairs and festivals
-The mall, especially at night or during weekdays
-The zoo
-The grocery store during the day
-The baby department at Target
-Anywhere else we are likely to run into babies. Especially teenagers with babies.

I know that everyone has the God-given right to have children, but from what I've noticed lately, God loves an idiot. Kent was like a walking advertisement for teen pregnancy yesterday, not to mention a stroller ad. We saw babies everywhere. We see dirty babies, people who are ignoring their babies, and I even heard someone yelling at their toddler last night for crying during the fireworks because they were scared.

All I have to say is, IT'S NOT FAIR. No, life doesn't have to be fair. I am sure that everyone we saw yesterday loved their babies, and I can imagine at least one set of parents there may have struggled with infertility. Maybe. But the rest of the people I think would be fair to put into the "Oops" category, or the giggling, "All he has to do is look at me and I get pregnant" category. I just don't get it. I can no longer imagine having a baby just because we had sex. It can't possibly happen that way. Babies for us mean money and science, and struggle. Maybe it's for a reason. Maybe I'll appreciate it more when we are parents. Maybe God just hates us and doesn't want us to have babies.

We had to leave last night because in the middle of a crowd of people listening to the band, I felt like I was about to burst into tears. I have infertility outbursts sometimes, but that is the first one that hit me like that in a crowd. I looked at DH and told him, "I need to go home right now" and he must have seen on my face what was going on because we took off. I am blessed to have a loving and supportive husband. I am lucky to have a MIL who doesn't talk much and a Mom who dealt with infertility herself. I don't have to deal with stupid comments very often, but I swear to God there are babies everywhere I go.

I'm hoping that last night's outburst means that AF might be on her way. I'm 9dpo, and ready to get moving on this IVF cycle. I have had cramps for most of the week off and on, but last night I really started feeling like it was almost here. For the record, jumping up and down and having sex didn't help start AF last night.

I want to take a moment here to recap my last month of fertility treatments.

This is what came in the mail for me last month (minus the progesterone supplements).

And this is my belly after about a week of Follistim (please ignore the jammies!):

What OHSS and last month did to my belly (my butt is another story!):

I'm only putting these here because I think they will be something to look back on fondly after we start our IVF drugs. And to give myself a frame of reference. I'll try to shoot a true "before" shot before we start all of the next round of drugs.

In My Next Thirty Years. . .

Not much new here on the IVF front, we are still waiting. Hopefully, my cycle will start soon so we can get the ball rolling. I'm trying to be patient. It's not working.

In other news. . .I went out last night with my SIL to celebrate my 30th birthday. Her gift to me was a night out and we went to see Tim McGraw! We also drank entirely too much, but we had a blast. I was trying to remember how many times I have seen him in concert. I remember going in college to a George Strait festival where Tim and Faith both performed. I barely even liked country at that point, but I loved him. It was a great treat for my birthday. . .even if he didn't sing the 30th birthday song for me :-)

I thought I would include a couple of pictures. Sorry they are so blurry, stupid me didn't think to take my good camera.

Jason Aldine I love this one

Today I had my first Skype call come in from Belgium. It was so nice to hear from Beth and Frank (and very odd to see them while we talked). I also had my grad school presentation today, which was basically means I am done with school! All I have to do now is go to two classes and listen to other people's presentations.

So almost officially. . .I'm a graduate!