Weekend Update - 4w6d

Last night, we went to DH's 1o year reunion. Good times. Actually it was kind of funny, especially from the perspective of an outsider. I met some of his old friends, was introduced to a lot of people and got to witness some fun gossip. She lost a ton of weight. He's bald now. She's married to an old man. She's a substitute teacher AND a stripper.

I told DH it would be okay to tell people if he wanted to since I figured a) it would explain why I wasn't drinking b) it was the honest response to the "so why don't you have kids yet" questions and c) I figured we would never see most of the people again, and why not share some happy news.

People were very sweet. One of his good friends has a 7 week old baby we got to meet, and she asked all about how I have been feeling. I figured that's a fair question, so I should share with the rest of the blogging world what is going on with me.

1. I'm exhausted. All the time. I'm tired at school, I'm tired at home, and the act of getting up in the morning is a chore. It involves crackers in bed, letting DH make me tea and my lunch, having to sit down after my shower to recover, and blow drying my hair sitting down. This is all because. . .

2. I'm dizzy. Mostly in the morning, and when I'm hungry. If I go for more than 2-3 hours without eating I start to get woozy.

3. My boobs are getting bigger. I'm starting to bust out of my bras and they are getting firmer now too. DH (whose nominated himself official tracker of the boob changes) also thinks my nipples are twice as big. I'll take his word for it. The girls also hurt, and are really sensitive.

4. Food aversions. I have always wondered what they meant exactly. For me, twice now it has been the smell of something that made me feel sick and like I needed to sit down immediately. Weird. Once it was ice cream, the other time it was some kind of pasta with white sauce and vegetables.

5. Naps make me feel worse. I think it must be only in the evening when I've taken a nap that means I've missed a meal. It sucks because I always really need the sleep!

6. I'm possibly a little cranky. I don't notice, but DH smirked when I asked him if he had noticed anything.

7. The bloat, oh the bloat. Still present, still annoying, still causing me to suck in constantly at work. Which makes my abs sore, like I've been doing a lot of sit-ups or something.

I think that covers the basics. As much as I've always said I wouldn't complain about pregnancy. . .I can see why it happens. Especially since I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this just might make it to the end.

Dear AF,

Okay, so I posted this on my local board, but I felt it was blog-worthy.

Dear AF,

I would like to kindly extend an invitation for you to come and visit. I know that in the past year and a half you haven't often felt like a very welcome visitor in this house, but I would like to change that now. You would honor us with your presence, and we will welcome you with alcohol, ice cream and anything else you would like.

I would also like to kindly ask that you stop messing with me. You can no longer fool me into thinking I might be pregnant, so the cramps on and off need to stop or be productive. Also, the uh-oh feeling that has me rushing to the bathroom thinking my underwear is in danger only to find nothing isn't really funny. Maybe the first time, but no one is laughing now. So, if you could please come for a visit very soon, I would be happy to see you. Then, we'd be happy to kick your ass out for another 9 months or so.

Hope to see you soon!
JenM

PS - Really, this isn't funny. You made me pee on a stick yesterday that I KNEW was going to be negative, and I refuse to do it again. I don't know what you're doing, you know there is no progesterone here, so what's the holdup? I am ready to start bleeding damn it!

No More Fairs for Me

Yesterday, we spent the day with DH's family. We went to Kentfest in the afternoon to see family and eat fair food, and then went back at night for the fireworks. I've decided - no more fairs for me. For that matter, I think I will be avoiding the following:

-All fairs and festivals
-The mall, especially at night or during weekdays
-The zoo
-The grocery store during the day
-The baby department at Target
-Anywhere else we are likely to run into babies. Especially teenagers with babies.

I know that everyone has the God-given right to have children, but from what I've noticed lately, God loves an idiot. Kent was like a walking advertisement for teen pregnancy yesterday, not to mention a stroller ad. We saw babies everywhere. We see dirty babies, people who are ignoring their babies, and I even heard someone yelling at their toddler last night for crying during the fireworks because they were scared.

All I have to say is, IT'S NOT FAIR. No, life doesn't have to be fair. I am sure that everyone we saw yesterday loved their babies, and I can imagine at least one set of parents there may have struggled with infertility. Maybe. But the rest of the people I think would be fair to put into the "Oops" category, or the giggling, "All he has to do is look at me and I get pregnant" category. I just don't get it. I can no longer imagine having a baby just because we had sex. It can't possibly happen that way. Babies for us mean money and science, and struggle. Maybe it's for a reason. Maybe I'll appreciate it more when we are parents. Maybe God just hates us and doesn't want us to have babies.

We had to leave last night because in the middle of a crowd of people listening to the band, I felt like I was about to burst into tears. I have infertility outbursts sometimes, but that is the first one that hit me like that in a crowd. I looked at DH and told him, "I need to go home right now" and he must have seen on my face what was going on because we took off. I am blessed to have a loving and supportive husband. I am lucky to have a MIL who doesn't talk much and a Mom who dealt with infertility herself. I don't have to deal with stupid comments very often, but I swear to God there are babies everywhere I go.

I'm hoping that last night's outburst means that AF might be on her way. I'm 9dpo, and ready to get moving on this IVF cycle. I have had cramps for most of the week off and on, but last night I really started feeling like it was almost here. For the record, jumping up and down and having sex didn't help start AF last night.

I want to take a moment here to recap my last month of fertility treatments.

This is what came in the mail for me last month (minus the progesterone supplements).

And this is my belly after about a week of Follistim (please ignore the jammies!):

What OHSS and last month did to my belly (my butt is another story!):

I'm only putting these here because I think they will be something to look back on fondly after we start our IVF drugs. And to give myself a frame of reference. I'll try to shoot a true "before" shot before we start all of the next round of drugs.

Livin' the Back-up Plan

I'm having a whiny day. One of those days that makes me feel like a bad person, that makes me mad at myself, and probably makes my husband reconsider. But I'm sure, at some point, I used to be a more positive person. I was cheerful, I had this rosy outlook on life, and I was optimistic for my future. This isn't going to be a happy little post.

Because of the crankiness today, I have been thinking a lot about my life. I remember back in middle school and high school, sitting around dreaming of my life. What I wanted it to be, what I knew I would have, and what I dreamed of. If it didn't work out of course there were back ups. Lowest level of back up being turning into a crazy cat lady. But I was thinking today, I'm living the back up plan.

Now the original plan included some knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet, and a castle, so I know any one's life would be a disappointment compared to that.

Original Plan: Teach until I have a husband who wants me to stay home with the kids

Reality: Still looking for that teaching job (8 years and counting of nothing full time), my husband laughed at the thought of us surviving on one income, and oh yeah - I CAN'T HAVE KIDS!

Original Plan: Have at least four children, preferably by 30
Reality: Unless they all come at once, four is looking unlikely

Original Plan: Nice big house, front porch with a swing
Reality: Well, I like the condo, really I do

Original Plan: Knight in Shining Armor
Reality: Well, he'll do :-)

Original Plan: Well, fabulously wealthy of course
Reality: Who knew being a grown up would be this expensive?

I had a bit of a melt-down today about the job situation. I really wish I had been less shocked, and more assertive when the principal called. I should have asked her what I was doing wrong, what I wasn't doing, what more I should be doing. Because during the year, I feel like I'm doing a good job. That I'm on top of things, a good teacher, and respected. And then I get passed over and it makes me doubt myself. Life will go on, I know I should be counting my blessings that I HAVE a job, let alone one that has health insurance with an infertility rider, but sometimes I feel like screaming "When is it my turn???" I've been looking for a teaching position for 8 years. I have been a long term sub in my district for 3 years. I've paid my dues, I've put in my time, and yet someone else gets the reward of security.

And to make today even better, I got some scary news. My Grandma was robbed on Friday. Two men apparently broke into her house while she was in the front yard pulling weeds. They only ended up with around $50 cash, but the fact that someone has the nerve to do that to an old lady in broad daylight scares the crap out of me. Thank God she didn't see the second man when she went into the house. What would they have done to her? I don't know if they had guns, or if they would have hurt her, but it scares me.

Life just isn't always fair. I'm so tired of it sometimes.