Livin' the Back-up Plan

I'm having a whiny day. One of those days that makes me feel like a bad person, that makes me mad at myself, and probably makes my husband reconsider. But I'm sure, at some point, I used to be a more positive person. I was cheerful, I had this rosy outlook on life, and I was optimistic for my future. This isn't going to be a happy little post.

Because of the crankiness today, I have been thinking a lot about my life. I remember back in middle school and high school, sitting around dreaming of my life. What I wanted it to be, what I knew I would have, and what I dreamed of. If it didn't work out of course there were back ups. Lowest level of back up being turning into a crazy cat lady. But I was thinking today, I'm living the back up plan.

Now the original plan included some knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet, and a castle, so I know any one's life would be a disappointment compared to that.

Original Plan: Teach until I have a husband who wants me to stay home with the kids

Reality: Still looking for that teaching job (8 years and counting of nothing full time), my husband laughed at the thought of us surviving on one income, and oh yeah - I CAN'T HAVE KIDS!

Original Plan: Have at least four children, preferably by 30
Reality: Unless they all come at once, four is looking unlikely

Original Plan: Nice big house, front porch with a swing
Reality: Well, I like the condo, really I do

Original Plan: Knight in Shining Armor
Reality: Well, he'll do :-)

Original Plan: Well, fabulously wealthy of course
Reality: Who knew being a grown up would be this expensive?

I had a bit of a melt-down today about the job situation. I really wish I had been less shocked, and more assertive when the principal called. I should have asked her what I was doing wrong, what I wasn't doing, what more I should be doing. Because during the year, I feel like I'm doing a good job. That I'm on top of things, a good teacher, and respected. And then I get passed over and it makes me doubt myself. Life will go on, I know I should be counting my blessings that I HAVE a job, let alone one that has health insurance with an infertility rider, but sometimes I feel like screaming "When is it my turn???" I've been looking for a teaching position for 8 years. I have been a long term sub in my district for 3 years. I've paid my dues, I've put in my time, and yet someone else gets the reward of security.

And to make today even better, I got some scary news. My Grandma was robbed on Friday. Two men apparently broke into her house while she was in the front yard pulling weeds. They only ended up with around $50 cash, but the fact that someone has the nerve to do that to an old lady in broad daylight scares the crap out of me. Thank God she didn't see the second man when she went into the house. What would they have done to her? I don't know if they had guns, or if they would have hurt her, but it scares me.

Life just isn't always fair. I'm so tired of it sometimes.