I've discovered a couple of nice perks to blogging out my grievances every once in awhile. I know I have readers from everywhere who read my blog, either intentionally or accidentally through the almighty google, but sometimes when I blog, I forget, or have to try to forget, that a few of my most loyal readers are family. In particular, my mother. And so when I write things out here, along with casually mentioning them in conversations, it does occasionally lead to a positive change in my life.
Currently the perk I am thinking of is photos. Now, it may be because with the birth of this child I am spending less time away from everyone because I am pumping, and more time socializing, and feeding a baby under a blanket in the living room, or because I started loudly complaining about it, but all of a sudden, I am starting to see myself more in the photos that I upload. Amelia will know that she had a Mommy in the early days! I have so few pictures of me with Ben and Maggie when they were very little, and when I do get my photo taken, well, it isn't always pretty. When I take candids I try to make sure my photos are well timed, and positioned for good light, good angles, sweet expressions, etc, but that isn't always what other people are thinking. Oh well, at least people (like my mother) are remembering to grab the camera and make me part of the memories.
So, for example, on Father's Day, I didn't actually get a cute picture of Andy with just Mia (Father's Day was actually spent by me freaking out and crying quite a bit because I couldn't get the baby to wake up long enough to eat and I was worried we had broken her), but someone got this one of me.
Now, technical wise, it is not a perfect picture. There is crap on the couch in the background, half of my Grandmother on the edge, and I'm pretty sure we didn't have my Speedlight on the camera. But, there is one thing I'm noticing in this picture, something I didn't see in the mirror last time, or in most of the photos I can find of me in April of 2009, that I really have had this realization about this time.
I look happy in that picture. A little tired maybe, but relaxed, cuddling my new daughter in my arms, and smiling. It really reinforces, to me, the theory I had started to develop not long after she was born. And what was the big, surprising, world changing revelation I had after the birth of this baby?
I didn't just gradually develop depression while my kids were getting close to a year, I was heading down the path to PPD before I left the hospital.
I felt stress, I felt tired, I felt like I wasn't really their Mommy, I felt all kinds of things that I shouldn't have felt as a new Mom. I didn't know it then. I thought it was normal, I figured it was how everyone felt, was normal for the circumstances.
And then I had Mia.
Now, I know that the circumstances were very different this time around and really, being honest here, I know that being on anti-depressants can't hurt. But I was thinking about things lately, and thinking about how we weren't really planning to have another baby this soon, and how she is a surprise and all. Someday, I am sure this will be common knowledge to her, and we'll be able to reassure her that while yes, she was a surprise, she was very much loved and wanted. But right now, while I'm still thinking it, and while it's still fresh, I want to write this part down. Because what I'm feeling right now is this: She was sent to show me that I can be a good Mommy, right from the start.
Amelia Elizabeth, when you were born, I felt a little like a super hero, and a little like I had been dreaming. It was surreal to push you out in 20 minutes, surreal to have you in a room where your two Namas were, where Aunt Patti could take pictures, where your Daddy was still in his street clothes, and no one even had to wash their hands. I saw you starting to come out but I missed the part where Grandma said you just couldn't wait and came out with one big whoosh because the doctor moved in front of the mirror.
You made me worry, right away, when you were blue, and the nurse had to keep working on you. But that moment where they brought you back to me, and the nurse handed you over, I know what I said exactly was "She's okay? I can have her?" and I cried joyous and relieved tears that I don't know if anyone else in the room saw but that nurse and you. I snuggled you for a minute, and then we set up to feed you. This was the moment I was anticipating, fearing and worrying about. It seems a little silly, maybe, but in me, this want to breastfeed you, this need I have to get it right this time, made it a big moment. And you, my little girl, you did it like you knew exactly what you were doing. We were off to the start I had been denied before. Do I think this was a defining moment in the dyamic that will become our forever relationship? No. But did it make me feel more confidence as a mother, and more at peace with your birth? Yes.
In the hospital, I was tired, but I felt an almost high of love and nurturing. I wanted to take care of you, hold you, snuggle you. I didn't feel like I was missing time with you if someone else snuggled you for a little bit, and I know that you could tell it was me when I was holding you. There was no frustration in the nursing, it didn't hurt at all, and when you slept a good chunk of the second afternoon on my chest, I could feel all those happy baby/mommy hormones.
You can see it on our faces in the picture of us leaving the hospital. Proud as, well, new parents. I don't know if this is normal with your third baby, but I just felt so in awe of you. Those mommy feelings kicked in right away, you were my baby, you needed me, and I loved you. What seemed so strange with your siblings felt so right with you, so much faster, and so much more natural. I've never felt like a fake, like I am just the milk machine (even though you are eating every hour or so), or like you like everyone just the same. I am your Mommy, you are mine, and I hope this is how it feels for any new Mom who isn't suffering from post partum depression.
So see, Amelia? You aren't just the baby of the family, you aren't just a happy surprise, you made Mommy realize just how right it can be to have a baby. You brought me the peace, the joy and the light of being a new mommy all over again. These feelings extend to Ben and Maggie, despite the fact that they are driving me crazy, and I even feel a brand new surge of love for them. They talk about moms who worry about having enough love to go around as they add new children to the family. With you coming as my third child, I feel not only like I got a full supply of love for you, it's like I got an extra bonus scoop for them.
You are snuggly and sweet. You like cuddling up on either one of us to sleep and while you technically sleep in the pack and play in our room, really most nights you prefer us. And we let you. You are a spoiled little thing in that way, and unlike the first time around, we kind of know that sleeping at first is a "whatever works" kind of thing. Besides, you reap the benefits of having a King sized bed to snuggle in.
You are kind of an observer right now of the lives of your crazy siblings. Obviously you end up doing things as a baby that other babies who are the first born don't do because their Mommies are new and try to follow all of the rules. You are our third child, so you do what you need to do. This may include napping outside on Daddy's lap while there are a couple of two year olds splashing around in the water table and screaming.
Now, unlike when your brother and sister were born, the family has expanded a little. Babies are no longer new or a novelty in our family, but you are the fifth grandchild in this family, and now everyone is an experienced baby handler. You will grow up with these four little people, and probably a couple more to come, and I hope that you know how lucky you are. You will always have these friends your age, and I hope that you will always be close.
You have a big sister who adores you. She asks me about you all the time, where you are if she can't see you, tells me when you are crying, tries to give you your pacifier, will fetch your blankies, or a diaper, or sit and sing to you when you are sad. I hope you are always friends. I hope you always know what a gift it is in life to have a sister, and that Maggie's love for you continues to grow, as you will grow to love her. There is so much she can teach you, so much that you will hopefully have in common, and I foresee lots of trouble in our future if you both use those big brown eyes as effectively as she always does. You will get her hand-me-downs, at least for now, and I am sure this is just one of many secrets being told that you will share.
I should say though that expectations are high for little girls in this family and that you have some pretty big little shoes to grow into.
Now your brother, he is working on loving you. I think for now, you are just not that exciting. He is a bit jealous of all the time you spend with me, and I'm getting a lot of "No, my Mommy. I need my Mommy, Mia need Daddy" from him. He is learning to share, he is learning more patience, and if he loves you anything like he loves Maggie, you will both be lucky little girls. As the only boy, I hope you two go easy on him, and at least show him how to take off the nail polish I picture you putting on his toes, and share the purple bowls sometimes too. It's hard to be the odd man out, and while I hope growing up with two sisters will make him more sensitive, I hope you don't give him too hard of a time. Growing up, I always thought is would be neat to have a big brother to look after me, and I think you will appreciate him when you get older.
You have big brown (of course) eyes that are very curious about the world around you. You remind me of Maggie in that way, taking everything in, staring wisely at us, in that baby with an old soul kind of way. You look so much like a combination of them. Maggie's eyes, Ben's nose. Maggie's upper lip, Ben's lower. Your forehead is his, your chin is hers. Probably something in there is just yours, but that doesn't count on the guessing game that everyone likes to play. So far, you look more like Mommy than Daddy, according to everyone we see, and I can't help but like that. I am still holding out hope for those eyes, but they are getting darker and darker.
When you were two weeks old, we went to the zoo. Here is one of those things that you don't do with first babies. But we plopped you in my Moby wrap, Mommy carried you close to my chest, we stopped so you could nurse three times, and while you didn't see much outside of the carrier, it was our first outing as a family of five.
The elephant habitat just reopened this year. This is Willy. Maybe in a couple of years he'll be more exciting to you.
I have to throw this one in of Maggie, such a little explorer with her floppy hat and sensible shoes, clutching her monkey in the butterfly house.
You were exhausted by the end of the trip. So was Mommy.
In other news around our house right now, Maggie and Ben are starting to kind of potty train. Ben had started being more interested when he found out that he had some fancy sports underpants in the drawer. Of course this is the day before Daddy went back to work, and of course that day we had at least three pee accidents in the living room, but there was lots of jumping and giggling and frolicking in our underpants. I do think that Ben looks a little like he's channeling an underwear model in this one
At three weeks, we took you to the pool with your siblings and your cousins. We went to Uncle B's parents house, and while you didn't particularly love the water, you looked so darn cute in your bathing suit and floppy hat. Your brother and sister LOVE the water right now, and would be in it as much as they could if possible.
You only had a little chlorine on you, but if I'm remember right, the diaper had soaked up a lot of pool water so we gave you a quick dip in the sink. You LOVED it, and were very well behaved, and also so very cute in the bathroom sink. See, creative parenting.
Ben and Maggie got tricycles from their grandparents that were technically birthday presents, but they wouldn't have been appreciated right away. I can see in a couple of years that you will be the one riding along on the back of somebody's bike.
This is your Baba. She rocks. I have other pictures of you with her, but none as pretty as this with the flowers and such in the background.
Mommy found this outfit one day thinking it would be a great going home outfit. Except it looked way too big, so we put it away. It says Baby Sister, which is what we called you forever since you didn't have a name for a long time. I was right, you look adorable in it!
We were at the doctor for your one month appointment today and he mentioned how babies don't truly socially smile until they are 6-8 weeks old. What does he know?
Studying Nama like you are not quite sure what to make of her and of that glowing thing in the sky.
Maggie, taking time to stop and smell the flowers.
Your Mommy and Daddy are more fun than they look. I think that having toddlers have made us a little bit more crazy. Daddy also blames the salt in his pepper on Mommy, but I think having the three of you is what made it happen.
For the record, Andy got on the tricycle on his own. I got on Maggie's because she very nicely asked me if I would like to ride her "riding cycle" since Daddy was riding Ben's.
Daddy really likes the tummy time. He has been the one doing it with you, he gets down on the floor and shows you the ropes. Now, head control - it would be great to get a little bit more of that since I have a hard time keeping control of it for you when I am chasing your siblings around.
You are not really a monster. A milk monster, maybe, but nothing more than that.
Just another night at home. I was remembering recently that while Maggie and Ben were very young, Andy and I got hooked on Bones. We were catching the current season while recording the reruns to try to catch up. We just watched regular TV and listened to whatever we wanted to in the car on the radio. Now? You are going to have episodes of Little Bear stuck in your head, or start off singing "Put Down the Ducky."
We spent the past two days at Aunt Patti's house and lounged in the pool. I love how much they love water this year!
And of course popsicles are a toddler favorite. You'll get that when you are older.
You spent a lot of time sleeping in your carseat on the deck this day. I'm sorry to say that you probably inherited my fair skin. Maggie is our only dark skinned baby, you have Ben's peaches and cream complexion. You will burn. You should always wear sunscreen. These are things we will go over as you get older.
I'm not sure what I should have thought when I asked Maggie if she wanted her picture taken and she started crawling towards me like some kind of crazed model.
So there we have it, a post for my daughter, take 2. All of my motherly worries are the same for you that they were for her. I want you to be kind, I want you to love to learn. I don't want you to become a little girl who puts down other girls. I want you to always remember that you are loved, and you were loved from the very beginning. Not only did you brighten our world, you helped me to see so many things more clearly, and have made me appreciate what having a child can mean.
You are not just a daughter, you are a sister. These two little people of mine, the ones who are all about "do myself" and who are afraid of monsters and can sing their ABCB's, they will always be a part of your life. They will love you, and you will love them. You outnumber your parents, you multiplied our love, and we are so glad that you are ours.
