Boobs

Enough whining about life :-)
Onto whining about infertility!

Right now, since this is a break month, all I'm doing is playing the waiting game. I'm currently waiting for my next cycle to start. I am on CD18, I think about 3 dpo. I actually used OPKs this month and got a positive (TWO LINES!) last Thursday. We gave it a try. I'm not expecting any miracles. All I really want is for my LP to give me one of those nice short months (like 9 - let's go for a 9 day LP) so I can get on with this IVF cycle. Yes, I am hoping that my period starts asap. Without the Progesterone supplements, and without hormones making me ovulate on CD12, I might have a good shot at a crappy LP. But, in the meantime, while I'm waiting. . .

I'm obsessed with my boobs. Two weeks out of every month since I first heard that breast tenderness is the first sign of pregnancy, I'm obsessed. I stare at them in the mirror - are they getting bigger, are blue veins looking more prominent, are they even, why are they pointing in different directions? I poke them. I bump them constantly with my arm, to make it subtle. Because really, who wants to be the freak who is out touching her boobs in public? Most of the time, all this does is show me that they are tender, or that I'm an idiot for wondering. I'm pretty sure its a sign of the hormones, or the fact that I'm poking at them that makes them tender, nothing pregnancy related. Last month they hurt a lot. Like not wearing a bra hurt, and one night when DH bumped one of them, I almost decked him. Apparently, it meant nothing.

DH thinks this whole process is fascinating. Being a good husband, he likes to help weigh in on the obsession, especially the "are the bigger" question. Carefully studying, weighing, grabbing. . .you get the point. Helpful guy, my hubby. He catches me poking them. He thinks it's funny. He wants to poke them too.

So, here I am, on a very low odds cyle (I think we've progressed downward to 2% on our own) and I'm still poking away and looking for signs of tenderness. Who knew I would ever be this obsessed with my boobs?

When my next cycle starts, I'll start BCPs for two weeks. During that two weeks, we have to have bloodwork for infectuous disease, and I get a Sonohysterogram, which I have heard horror stories about the pain factor for. We also are supposed to have a repeat SA for DH. Except, and I found this extremely funny, apparently DH's sperm are so crappy they don't need to do a repeat. We already are super candidates for ICSI, so they don't bother with another SA. I ask you, where is the fairness in the world of fertility? I get crappy results, I get more testing. He gets crappy results and gets out of it. I won't even get into the my role (shots, surgery, hormone treatments, more shots, OHSS) vs. his role (make sure it goes in the cup) but maybe I'll save that for another day.

Livin' the Back-up Plan

I'm having a whiny day. One of those days that makes me feel like a bad person, that makes me mad at myself, and probably makes my husband reconsider. But I'm sure, at some point, I used to be a more positive person. I was cheerful, I had this rosy outlook on life, and I was optimistic for my future. This isn't going to be a happy little post.

Because of the crankiness today, I have been thinking a lot about my life. I remember back in middle school and high school, sitting around dreaming of my life. What I wanted it to be, what I knew I would have, and what I dreamed of. If it didn't work out of course there were back ups. Lowest level of back up being turning into a crazy cat lady. But I was thinking today, I'm living the back up plan.

Now the original plan included some knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet, and a castle, so I know any one's life would be a disappointment compared to that.

Original Plan: Teach until I have a husband who wants me to stay home with the kids

Reality: Still looking for that teaching job (8 years and counting of nothing full time), my husband laughed at the thought of us surviving on one income, and oh yeah - I CAN'T HAVE KIDS!

Original Plan: Have at least four children, preferably by 30
Reality: Unless they all come at once, four is looking unlikely

Original Plan: Nice big house, front porch with a swing
Reality: Well, I like the condo, really I do

Original Plan: Knight in Shining Armor
Reality: Well, he'll do :-)

Original Plan: Well, fabulously wealthy of course
Reality: Who knew being a grown up would be this expensive?

I had a bit of a melt-down today about the job situation. I really wish I had been less shocked, and more assertive when the principal called. I should have asked her what I was doing wrong, what I wasn't doing, what more I should be doing. Because during the year, I feel like I'm doing a good job. That I'm on top of things, a good teacher, and respected. And then I get passed over and it makes me doubt myself. Life will go on, I know I should be counting my blessings that I HAVE a job, let alone one that has health insurance with an infertility rider, but sometimes I feel like screaming "When is it my turn???" I've been looking for a teaching position for 8 years. I have been a long term sub in my district for 3 years. I've paid my dues, I've put in my time, and yet someone else gets the reward of security.

And to make today even better, I got some scary news. My Grandma was robbed on Friday. Two men apparently broke into her house while she was in the front yard pulling weeds. They only ended up with around $50 cash, but the fact that someone has the nerve to do that to an old lady in broad daylight scares the crap out of me. Thank God she didn't see the second man when she went into the house. What would they have done to her? I don't know if they had guns, or if they would have hurt her, but it scares me.

Life just isn't always fair. I'm so tired of it sometimes.

Finally Photos!

Well, if I can figure out how to add them. Yes, I am posting from my new computer, on the couch no less, and I wanted to share a few photos.

DH and I at the top of the arch:

Lily showing off her tongue:

Murphy sleeping in the sun

My nephew Zachary - almost 7 months old

I am sure there are more things I'll want to put in these posts, but for now, those are the highlights!

Good and Bad News

Well, I've had multiple phone calls that fall into good news/bad news. Let's go ahead and start with the bad and get it over with. My principal finally called and they decided someone else gets to go full time this year. I still have a job, they see me there full time eventually, blah blah blah, but I don't get the contract. About two minutes after I hung up with her. . .

The IVF nurse called. We're doing IVF!!! I hadn't really announced it to anyone officially since I didn't know when we could start, but it looks like we are going to be able to get the cycle in before school starts in August. Like just barely squeezing it in. I will probably not be able to take part in the commencement for my Masters, but I'll get over it. We just need to hope that my dysfunctional body does its thing without the hormones this month and gives me a nice short cycle. Think low progesterone thoughts! I should start my two weeks on the pill in about two weeks with ER and ET taking place the week of August 10th.

More good news. . .according to DH's pal Veejay (or something else that sounds like a dirty kind of word) at Dell, my laptop has been shipped and should be arriving tomorrow. With any luck at all (and really, I think I'm due a little bit of luck here) it should be here first thing in the morning. Which means I will be hanging out in my living room ready to jump the DHL guy. Or girl. How freaked out would they be if I kissed them?

Oh, and please, how impressive, two posts in less than 24 hours. Maybe this blogging thing will work out after all.

Bad Blogger

So I'm a bad blogger right now. I don't know why this would surprise me at all considering that I have no less that 5 diaries around my house and my parents that would frequently have large jumps in them. Like months. Or years. I just have a hard time committing or something.

But right now, I completely blame my lack of internet access on my non-blogging. I miss my laptop. All the time. It is sad how reliant on technology I am. I should be more Zen. I should take more walks. I should not feel like I am laying in wait for my husband to come home with his work laptop and pounce on it. But come on. Here was my morning a few days ago dealing with the Dinosaur Dell that lives in our office.

Wake up. Good morning Lily (she's the dog. I would show you a picture if I could.) Walk into office. Bump the mouse in hopes of waking up the dinosaur. Go downstairs. Make coffee. Come back upstairs. No response. Reboot the dinosaur. Go take a shower. Notice after the shower that the computer is still loading. Wait for it to get to the welcome screen. Click on Jen. Go finish getting ready. Come back. Open Internet Explorer. Read three chapters of a book while waiting for it to open the home page. Bang head on desk and cry.

And you get the picture. I'm an addict, I get it, but I have a happy little life on this computer. I have friends (Hi Nesties and NEO girls!), I have email, I have photos to access and Google is one of my favorite things. I won't even talk about my Sims that are refugees on our external hard drive right now, but let's just say that if my new computer doesn't get here soon, I'm going to go crazy. Apparently there was a fire at the battery company. That is what is now causing the delay. I'm not joking, we've seen the photos on the internet. It's not pretty.

But really, you don't want to hear my sad story about the computer. I would love to tell you that I have exciting IVF news from my appointment this morning, but we're still waiting. I don't think we're going to get this in before school starts. I am waiting to hear back from the IVF nurse at Dr. Nash's to get started on a timetable. In the meantime, I told DH we are going to go ahead and throw a Hail Mary and try to get knocked up the old fashioned way this month. I have absolutely no hopes of success, but we'll give it a try. I even considered buying OPK's, to take us back to the early days of naive hopefulness. I'm pretty sure I know my body by now though, and we'll see what happens.

If I can figure out pictures this weekend, I will post some. We went to St. Louis this past weekend to see my best friend and her family before they move to Belgium. I have approximately 700 pictures between our two cameras, most of them of an adorable little pudge of a 7 month old named Zachary who is my favorite nephew. No miracles promised, but we'll see.

All quiet on the blogging front

So, it was never my intention to really make this a private blog (because really, if I wanted to be private, I have a journal for that), but it's occured to me that if I don't tell anyone about my blog, no one will read it. Now see, right now, there really isn't much here. I'm not promising that this is ever going to really get good, but for now I'm thinking I won't tell anyone about it. Because, really, who's going to want to read my two measly little posts? When I don't have any fun links posted yet to my friends blogs, or pictures because of my stupid computer issues? I'm not pregnant, heck right now we are not even trying until we get the word on IVF from our doctor. The only thing I'm doing right now is going to classes and reading.

And reading. And reading. In one of my classes last year, we talked about something called Bibliotherapy that was supposed to be helpful for gifted children. I don't know what it's called when a 30 year old woman is reading through her local library, but that's what I am doing. It drives DH (my dear husband for anyone not familiar in Nestie abbreviations) crazy. I'm not sure why he's ashamed that I'm a good reader, but we'll leave that for another day. The thing I find funny is my major shift in material. I have been a lover of romance novels forever. Right now, I am sick and tired of happy endings. Especially of the let's get married, and guess what we're pregnant variety. I like mysteries these days. Murder mysteries. I am on a Stephanie Plum roll. Funny books, that's what I need. And if that sounds like therapy for infertility? I think I'm on it. Good thing there isn't a max on my library card.

I want to share something I put in a paper I had to write for class. I'm a teacher. This is my somewhat sarcastic list of the rules I would love to give to parents if I wouldn't get fired:

1. Check your child’s agenda daily. They write down what we need you to know. Read it, don’t just sign it. It makes you look bad.

2. Have a quiet place at home for homework. Make homework important for your child. If you whine about it, they will whine about it. It IS more important than soccer practice, even thought I know you don’t agree with that.

3. Read to your child. They will like it, I promise. You may not like reading. Guess what? It shows, and it influences them to not like reading. Fake it. It’s what good parents and teachers do.

4. Help your child with their homework. Sometimes that just means check to make sure they are doing it, and that they understand the directions. Don’t do it for them. I’m a smart teacher, I can tell when it is not a 9 year olds work being turned in. Plus, your kids are bad liars and will rat you out eventually.

5. Make them go to bed early, and don’t let them watch whatever they want on TV. Yes, this may make them not like you all the time, but that’s not your job. My job is easier when your children are well rested. They will learn more. And the TV is bad for them, especially if you aren’t supervising.

6. Don’t criticize me in front of your children. It makes me look bad, and it makes them uncomfortable in my classroom. You don’t always have to like me either. I’m a trained professional in my field, and I do what is in the best interest of the students. In addition, your children tend to exaggerate to you. I am not sure why you would believe some of their stories, but when you do, and you call or email me with your concerns, and I’m right, and your child lied, how are going to feel?

7. Please email me if you have concerns. If you call and I am teaching, I will not answer the phone. I also do not have time in the hallway while I have 25 kids in the room to have a conference with you. You can call me to set one up when I am not in charge of my class.

8. Please read things that I send home. I send a study guide home for tests and we send home a weekly newsletter. I also try to send home reminders for things that are due at school. If you do not read it, it is a waste of my time to write it. Also, when your child is unprepared, or when they are the last one to turn in money for the field trip, or they miss the deadline for yearbooks, they feel bad. If they are not dressed for picture day, and you get mad, remember they are 9, and you are the parent.

9. Your children need to learn study skills. It is much easier for you to do this at home. I do what I can at school, but when it comes to preparing for tests your child will do best when you are one on one with his/her questions. I had a parent this year that made up practice math problems based on the study guide for her daughter for every test. Guess whose child always did well? Do you want her email address?

10. If something is bothering your child at home, please tell me about it. Especially if it is something happening at school that they are not telling me about. As much as I like to think I know everything, if Maria is being mean to Ally on the playground, and Ally is coming home in tears every day, I need to know that. You are not tattling on someone else’s child, you are helping me to help both of the children. They don’t always tell me, and it is important.

I turned that in. We'll see how my professor likes it, but hey, it was a response paper.

Peer Pressure

You want to be a person who is above the influence of their friends. You want to be a unique individual who knows thyself, knows their own wants, needs and opinions. Come on, you know you want to. . . .

Or at least you do if you're ME, but it doesn't always work out. I feel like I've lived half my life because of other people's expectations. Have big bangs (peer pressure). Get good grades (mom pressure). Like NKOTB (peer pressure - and by the time I bought in, they were on their way out). Have a drink (peer pressure). Enjoy watching sports (boy pressure).

So here I am starting a blog (peer pressure). It was the same with starting a MySpace profile, to be honest. If everyone else is doing it. . . well, why not. It's okay. I know myself well enough to not mind. And the real nagging thing that made me start a blog (besides the classic "all the cool kids are doing it") is that if I read a friend's blog and want to post a comment, my name comes out black instead of blue, and it makes me look like the sad pathetic girl without her own blog.

This is my first post ever. I don't know what I'll want to post, or who is going to want to read it. We'll see how it goes. Currently, my life revolves around the science of making babies, grad school, technological woes, waiting to hear about a job offer, and my family. I may get off topic, but those are my current issues. Not that all those things are an issue. You know what I mean, right?

As soon as I can, I'll post some pictures. And by can I mean as soon as someone at Dell gets off their ass and sends me the laptop I ordered a month ago. Let's go over my technology woes for a second. Because God decided I was spending too much time on the Internet he smote my old laptop, aliens took over the body of the evil Geek Squad technician who decided I had liquid damage on it, and big hairy monsters decided it would be funny to have Dell lose my order. Yup, that's the only reasonable explanation.