Keeping the faith, baby?

I went back and forth trying to decide if I wanted to make this post or not.  But today I was thinking about how I have been complimented by multiple people who admire the honesty I put into my blog.  I didn't want to cover up something like this, or ignore it, or think in the future that it was something that I was ashamed or embarrassed about. 

When I wrote my post on October 15 about Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss I was guarding a two day old secret.  I'm pregnant again.  October 13 for no good reason, I took a pregnancy test.  Strong dark second line completely by surprise.  I freaked out, called my RE, and had dragged Maggie and Ben with me to get betas drawn before I had even called my husband to tell him the news.  My betas were strong, 357 on that day and then 934 two days later.  I was scared, I was excited, and I was trying to be optimistic. 

About a week after I got my positive test though, I started feeling less and less pregnant and more and more anxious about what was happening.  The same thing had happened with Baby Uh-Oh and everyone told me I was worrying for nothing, and that they were sure everything was fine.  But something in my motherly intuition made me think something was wrong.  This same feeling is what I have been experiencing now.  A couple days before my ultrasound, I started gagging on my prenatal and feeling a little more nauseous, and it was like a gift from the symptom fairy to make me feel better.  In the car Monday with my Mom, I had started crying in the car because of a song on the radio.  I had been feeling a little sick all morning on top of the emotional bit.  I looked at her and said, "Yup, this baby is okay". 

Tuesday, I went in for an ultrasound on what would have been 6 weeks according to my LMP.  Without a whole lot of surprise, I watched the RE find a gestational sac, but no baby.  He was very calm, and still, I got such a bad vibe and it was like watching your fears become real.  He told us that it could just be too early, that we could be off by just a few days, and that next week we might find a healthy baby in there.  He asked if we knew when we conceived.  We do not.  I've looked into the other option, which is that I have a Blighted Ovum.  Which is in reality, what I am expecting to be my second miscarriage in 3 months. 

Of course, there is hope.  Of course, I am trying to remember that we have a chance at a happy ending here, but something has just felt off since the day I stopped being so exhausted, and my boobs stopped hurting.  I am planning for the worst.  To put it another way, I will be shocked on Tuesday if we find a baby and a heartbeat.

On Wednesday, I went out to lunch with my Mom and I was thinking about how I was feeling so much more confident on Monday.  Thinking of that moment in the car, how I was sure everything was okay.  In my head, clear as a bell, my Grandpa's voice "You've got to keep the faith, baby, keep the faith". 

I'm trying.  I'm really trying.  But I don't know if I can.  Can you keep a little faith for me?