I Am the Face of Hope

Today, October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  When I had my miscarriage back in July, I had checked out some of the boards that deal with loss, and remember this site in particular.  http://www.iamtheface.org/  The goal is to get awareness out, to put a face to something that happens to 1 in 4 women.  2000 people a day lose a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.  I know that I am lucky.  I know that losing a baby in your first trimester is much easier than losing an infant.  I can't imagine.  But today I was thinking about the whole faces of loss, faces of hope thing, and thinking how I really need to start thinking of my loss as being a step in hope. 

I've actually started thinking of the baby we lost as Hope.  Because really, other than the disappointment and heartbreak, the fact that we were able to conceive on our own brought us hope.  When you are infertile, you are not supposed to be able to spontaneously conceive.  You're not supposed to have a late period when you don't even realize you're late because you weren't going through treatments, charting or temping.  You're not supposed to have that moment of complete and genuine surprise like I had of seeing that second pink line and of not having any idea how it happened.  Well, I mean, other than the obvious, of course. 

October 15 also marks the anniversary of my Grandpa's death.  15 years ago he passed away, unexpectedly, on one of those days where you have no idea how it happened.  Grandpa was a hero of mine, a tough guy who had been through war, could fix anything, and who adored his girls with everything he had.  One of my regrets, constantly, is that my husband and my children never got the chance to meet him.  Three of my four grandparents had passed away by the time I graduated high school.  Papa Choo Choo died when I was still 2 or 3, my other Grandma died when I was 16 after being sick for a long time.  I think of all of them as being the angels that watch over me, they are the ones I talk to when I pray.  My Grandpa especially I think would be quite an angel.  Fierce, protective, guiding, but not allowing stupid decisions.  One of his favorite sayings was "Keep the faith baby." 

When I was pregnant with Ben and Maggie, early on, before I even knew if they were boys or girls, I had a breakdown one day in the shower.  I was worried all the time.  I was scared to lose them, scared to find blood every time I wiped.  I broke down one day crying in the shower, and gave them up to God and to my angels.  Saying that I knew I wasn't strong enough to carry them alone.  That I knew if they only had protection from above that I could feel better, that I could worry less.  I gave them up to something stronger than me. 

I was thinking today about my Grandpa, and about our baby Hope.  And I was thinking about how while I do not know that I believe much in religion, I believe with all my heart that my Grandparents still watch over me, and that baby Hope now resides with them.  She is there with them, they will watch over her until we meet again someday.  She will watch over Ben and Maggie, and she will be there to watch over another baby should there ever be one.  She is my Hope that we can have a baby without medical assistance.

And next time, I'll be scared, I'll worry, I'll live in fear of blood and cramps.  But in honor of Grandpa and Hope today, I'll try to keep the Faith.