4028 and counting

Pictures that is. Approximately. From the day the babies were born until now. Does that seem crazy? Or not enough? When I decided to count them today (with the help of Photoshop, I'm not nuts), the song from Rent popped into my head, you know "Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes. . ." and it has been running on a loop in my head. Seasons of Love.

This has been my Season of Love. The time we've had so far with Ben and Maggie. Call it good timing or bad, Andy was laid off two weeks before the babies were born. Other than a two week stint with a company that I'm not even sure was legitimate, we have both been home hanging out with these babies everyday. I've thought a lot about me at 34 weeks pregnant and freaking out about the future, and us running out of money, and how at one point I was going crazy wishing I was home alone with them so I wasn't always being watched. . .and then I've thought about what an amazing gift it was for both of us to be home for the first three and a half months of our children's lives. There aren't a lot of daddies who get that kind of time to bond with their babies. This week, he went back to work, and things are slowly getting back to "normal" around here.

I go back to school in three weeks, and it is causing a lot of anxiety in my life. There wasn't much hope, even prior to Andy's layoff of me getting to take extra time off to stay home with the babies, but that was sure the nail in the coffin. We can't live without my salary and we need the insurance that goes along with it. I know that most people don't get the kind of time off I get as a teacher, but the Mom is me aches everytime I think about leaving them to go deal with other people's children. I never wanted to be a working Mom. I remember having a conversation about that with Andy very early on in our trying to have kids and he laughed. It just wasn't going to be an option for us for me to stay home, and he thought I was kidding, I think. Now that the reality is here, now that I'm faced with the reality of their two little faces being away from me for so long every day. . .I don't even want to think about it.

But until that day, we have summer. Summer will always be our season, the season when I will be home with my kids, when I can be a stay at home Mom. When we'll travel, and go to the zoo, and sleep in together. This will be my season. I know that logically, we will get through Fall, we will enjoy the winter, these babies will grow, and be loved, and will be cared for by us, or by their grandparents. But I know that once school starts, I will be counting the days until Summer.

I wanted to share some of our summer photos, and Shutterfly has conveniently decided not to let me move them around, so sorry for the random order!

We took the babies to Anna Maria Island Florida for a week, and had a blast. The babies loved the ocean, and we enjoyed having Grandma and Grandpa there to help us with them and to take care of us.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Maggie. It was taken at Tommy Bahamas restaurant. Andy and Maggie on the beach. This photo actually goes with the last photo. I was trying to just get that last cute picture of their feet with the towel, but this is what was going on in the chair. Ben, freaking out, melting down and trying to eat his sister.

Little feet in the sand. We were trying to get a picture of their footprints in the sand, but Maggie didn't weigh enough to make a dent, and she kept marching her feet up and down.

Ben looking handsome in his swim trunks.

Sunset at the beach with my parents. At some point, if I get better at Photoshop, I'll take the damn cloth diaper out of my hand in what is otherwise a wonderful picture.

What a bathing beauty!

Their three month birthday fell during our vacation, so we packed up the stickers, the lamb and the bear, and brought them along to the beach this morning. We had a lot of fun with this one!

The 4th of July we dressed the babies up in their patriotic finest and headed off to a festival in Kent. They got a lot of attention in their double stroller, looking all cute.

Of course, the babies ran off and joined the Whig party. . .cloth diapers make good hats.

Random picture of the dog that we took in the nursery the day we moved the glider up into the nursery. Andy was playing around with the camera, and this is one of my favorite pictures ever of Miss Lily.

Just for fun.

They like hanging out in the laundry baskets. It's funny, and awfully cute. We hit the pool for the first time in June. That is Maggie under the green hat. She just was incognito. I realized that I never posted their two month photos either. These are from June. And then thank you, Shutterfly, back to our vacation in Florida!

Bad Mommy Moments

Ben has had a bad day. So far today there have been three bad moments. First, he wet through a diaper because between Andy and I we didn't realize he hadn't been changed for 7 hours. I guess you could say this is one downside of using cloth - it doesn't expand when wet, or smell funny when it is wet or dirty. I can no longer stand the smell of disposables, especially when they are wet, so those get changed right away. In the cloth, sometimes we just forget. Today, forgetting led to a wet outfit and a wet couch.

Second bad thing today was getting nicked with the nail clippers. I didn't realize I had done it until I saw the little bit of blood on his onesie (the same one that got peed on). The whole baby nail clipping this is such a nerve wracking experience anyway. Andy won't touch their nails, so it's a mommy job, and I try to get all 20 fingernails done at least once a week because they grow like crazy. Ben had been looking like he got into a fight with all the scratches so it had to be done.

Probably today's biggest whopper was that he rode home from Panera not buckled into his carseat. As soon as I got off at our exit, it hit me that I hadn't remembered to rebuckle him in before we left. My heart dropped and I couldn't believe it had happened. I have read so many mommies say that this is a moment that happens to just about everyone one time or another, but oh my god.

Thankfully, Ben has been pretty oblivious to all of this today. Right now he's happily snoozing on the couch. He's been snuggled. He's been fed. He's had boob time. He doesn't know that Mommy has been a bad Mommy today, and doesn't hold it against me. But this is one of those days that will make me feel guilty for awhile.

Maggie on the other hand has had a great day. She has been sleeping most of it, probably since she stayed up until 12:30 last night. The only bad thing that has happened to her today was that I tried to put a boob in her mouth. She is not a fan.

I am still trying to nurse both of them, although it is looking grimmer and grimmer. Ben is happy to nurse anytime I want him to. Only problem is that he still needs a bottle top off most of the time. I pump quite a bit, and I know I have low milk production. This is irritating for a lot of reasons, one of them being that I'm on a drug that isn't FDA approved that I had to order from New Zealand, and I still have low production. My body, that fabulous system of supply and demand that is supposed to recognize not only that I have twins, but that they were born early, and to provide everything they need, makes only enough milk for one of them. Sometimes. It's frustrating.

Maggie on the other hand is back to screaming when I try to nurse her. We have occasional moments of success, and she will nurse with the shield sometimes, but mostly it is just frustrating for both of us. I hate the thought of nursing one of them and bottle feeding the other, but there you have it. I guess we'll figure out who comes out smarter and with less ear infections. The frustrating thing is that I think she WANTS to nurse. We watched a video once on baby-led nursing with a baby who wiggled and squirmed until they were lined up with a nipple, making cooing noises and mouthing around. Maggie does all of this, paws at my neckline, smiles at me, nuzzles in, wiggles into position. . .and screams when I try to put it in her mouth. You know how mommies are supposed to know what their babies need? She is by all accounts acting like a baby who wants to nurse. I think she's frustrated because she can't get the milk out. She knows it's there, but can't do it.

We have been seeing a lactation consultant, going to the support group, and trying for three months now. I have these moments of wondering why in the world I'm still doing it. Why it is so important to me. And where in the world we went wrong.

I don't believe that it is just because she is small or because she was 3 weeks early. I should have pushed for it in the recovery room, I should have asserted myself with the nurses in the NICU and someone should have told me it would be okay. But I blame myself most for giving up on her for a couple of weeks a long time ago, when I decided to just concentrate on Ben. Well, what do you know, he has the whole thing figured out and she still can't do it.

Bad Mommy moments.

I have bonked heads on the wall in the stairwell and the handle of the carseat. I have slept with them in bed with pillows and blankets. We found Maggie with a plastic grocery bag in her hand that we had left next to her on the bed. I yelled back one afternoon when I couldn't take the screaming anymore. I have ignored a crying baby (or two) to take a shower. My first reaction to them waking up at night is typically to wake up Andy and tell him a baby is crying. We've given Ben a pink binkie, and we share bottles and binks back and forth all the time. Andy and I said after a few days home with us, the NICU nurses would have probably taken them back if they saw us at home. I don't Purell in between babies.

But even with all of this, I can't help but think we're doing okay. They're happy (most of the time), they are gaining weight (some more than others, Mr. Benjamin), they are dressed warmly and cutely. We love them to pieces, and cuddle them all the time.

I worry about breastfeeding. I worry about going back to work. I worry about losing Andy at home with us when he starts back to work next week. I worry about not being able to take care of them myself at night when he starts on the second shift we are stuck with him working - right around the time I go back to school in August. I worry about vitamins, I worry about vaccinations, I worry about them not rolling over, or grabbing at things, or any of those other baby milestones they are supposed to be reaching. I worry about not doing tummytime enough, and I worry about tormenting them with tummytime. On vacation, when I was driving, I had a brief moment of panic wondering what would happen if the car ran off the road and into water. My heart was literally racing as I pictured what it would take to get into the backseat to get the babies out of their carseats and out of the car if it was submerging. Yeah, we watched that episode of Mythbusters.

Basically, just wanted to throw out there to the universe that I'm a bad mommy sometimes. And I think that admitting it, and worrying about it makes me a much better mommy. Because my theory is that bad mommies don't know they are bad. The fact that I admit it, the fact that I worry about it, the fact that I worry about the invisible panel of judges that are watching all of my moves and my decisions and my mistakes? This is what is going to make me better, and this is what my kids are going to remember.

If all else fails, they say that no one has any memories of the time before they are two. So I have a couple more years to get things right.

Before I forget

You know, I started this blog about a year ago. Peer pressure. It seemed like everyone I knew in the online world was blogging, and if I didn't have my own, I just wouldn't fit in. See in the world of infertility, everyone needs to get things out, to keep track, and to get the support of her sisters around her.

In Mommy world? I feel like I've joined a whole different group. I mean, if I think about the other mommies I run into at Walmart, or the teenage mothers that go to all the summer festivals? Yeah, I'm going to say that it's a much more select group of mommies who blog.

When I was going through my IVF cycle, I felt obligated to share the details, to put my fears down in words, to keep track of the numbers, the data. Throughout my pregnancy, if nothing else, I wanted to document the progress of the belly. I know that the hits I get on my blog are mainly girls from my local, my Mom, and people who click the link on any of the other boards I frequent. I used to feel like I was writing this blog for all of you. But lately I've been having these panicky thoughts, and I've decided I need to start blogging for me.

Before I forget.

I used to think I had a great memory. I could remember the characters in books I had read, everything I learned in class, stories and stories and stories I had been told. I used to be a kick ass speller. I don't know when it started to get bad, but I know that I don't remember much of anything anymore. People will say things like "Oh, you remember in high school how we used to. . ." and I honestly don't. I had a really scary moment a few years ago when I sat down at the computer to request my transcripts and couldn't remember the name of my college. That passed, but my spelling has been sucky ever since then. It's like early onset Alzheimer's or something. I really don't remember things about my own past. It's sad really, and I'm not sure why it is so hard for me.

What does this have to do with this blog? It occurred to me that I had to start writing things down for myself. Because these are things I do not want to forget. This is the good stuff, this is the beginning of two precious lives that I created, and carried, and hoped for and love. Things happen around here everyday, things I know aren't always very important, but things I don't want to forget. These are the stories I want to remember. The details that I can imagine myself all to easily forgetting.

So my promise to myself is to start writing more for me. For them. For something to look back on when my babies are older, and when they grow up, and when I am trying to think back about how we all survived this time. I feel like if I do this, I'll be more responsible with my memories. Because I can't forget this part.

I haven't actually counted them, but I would guess I've taken close to 3000 pictures in the three months they have been on this earth. I'm very good at documenting with pictures. The video camera? Well we suck at remembering to use it. I'd like to do that more, because why else do we have it if not to record the little things that our babies can do?

Each month we have been doing our monthly photo shoots of the babies in their month-by-month onesies. When they turned three months we were on Anna Maria Island with my parents. We knew that we would be in Florida when it happened, so we packed up the stickers, the onesies, the lamb and the bear, and headed out to the beach early (well as early as we could manage to get out the door) to do their pictures. It takes us approximately two hours every time we want to leave the house. It amazed us how mainly things had to go into that car in order for us to take the babies with us to Florida. The drive was hellish. I really should save all of this for another entry :-)

Back to the things I've been thinking about. New baby smell. Mine mostly seem to smell like spit up. When I used to babysit, I always said that I could take anything you could throw my way in a diaper, but I couldn't stand spit-up and drool. I always assumed that when the kids were your own, it wouldn't matter. I was wrong. I still hate spit up and drool. Today, I was giving Maggie kisses, and just as I leaned in she let a little bit of spit up drool out of her mouth. Turns out it tastes just as awful as it smells.

They say that if you line up a bunch of new babies in a room, a mother can pick out her child blindfolded based on their smell. Is that really true? I've been doing a lot of baby sniffing lately trying to decide if I could do it. I just don't get a smell, but maybe other babies would smell funny to me? And then I try to figure out if they smell the same? Or do I have to find both of them separately?

Maggie and Ben both vocalize quite a bit. It's mainly this a-goo sound that Andy and I like to imitate. Ben discovered his voice first. And it's a loud one. He Gah's, and Ah's, and makes these very loud irritated noises. He also is now blowing raspberries, and making these gurgling, cooing sounds that we really need to catch on video.

Maggie has a tremendously loud cry when she is mad, but she is a very quiet talker and cooer. It's quite adorable, and so quiet you could almost miss it. She burps like a truck driver. She also is an excellent binkie sucker. She smiles a lot now, but it's harder to get her to do it. Ben is easier to amuse. She giggles when I kiss her belly, but hasn't giggled at anyone else that I know of.

Right now, we are all sitting upstairs on the bed. I am pumping for Maggie, she has been sitting on the bed with me for a couple of hours putting away laundry, napping, and having a bottle. Ben is with us now too, after a trip to the grocery store with Daddy. Andy is downstairs making dinner, and this is a perfectly normal, lazy day in our perfectly normal, lazy life.

And these are moments I don't want to forget.

My daughter, the late night party animal

Or: Mommy is a sucker.

I know that this blog is dying a slow death. I keep forgetting to post things, or think of something to post and then not having time, and I wonder how in the hell other mommies manage to blog? Or post on the nest, or read books, or keep up with people on Facebook or any of those other things that I don't seem to have time for?

And then I think of a few things I am doing wrong. The first thing that comes to mind is stupid. I'm addicted to FarmTown on Facebook. If you haven't tried it - don't, it's like crack. It isn't too time consuming, but depending on how often you plant your crops, can be a daily thing that you just have to take care of or your crops will die. That becomes my main goof off on the internet thing to do and then I don't have time for everything else.

Thing number two - my house is too clean. And it's still a mess. I pictured us letting it go a lot more, but here we are keeping up with the laundry and running the dishwasher and straightening things. I have a constant chore list, and most of it is what gets done while the babies are either sleeping or being their cute and cuddliest. I'm glad the house is not falling apart, and I'm not going to lie, it would be without my husband or my mother cracking the whip.

Thing number three - I don't know if we're doing the right thing with this schedule thing. I am feeding twins on demand and letting them sleep when they want to. This is exactly what we didn't think we would do. "When one wakes up, wake the other one up" sounded like such sound advice when I was pregnant. And it worked for a couple of weeks. But then Ben started sleeping more at night. And am I really going to mess up his learning to sleep through the night? And if I'm still nursing them, or trying really hard, but I can't tandem nurse, it is much easier for them to eat at different times, right?

The past two nights have gone something like this (it's fuzzy). I fall asleep somewhere between 11 and 12, not on purpose. I wake up around 3 panicking because I shouldn't have slept that long with my overnight pumping schedule. I get my pump stuff together and pump. As soon as I'm done (or as soon as I've gotten ready for bed) Maggie wakes up and needs a bottle. Last night she woke up Ben so they both were up with me until about 5. One or both of them ends up sleeping with us. We get up whenever they get up again. Somewhere between 7 and 10.

We are in serious need of a schedule.

I guess I should get back to why Maggie is a late night party animal? Because she will nap off and on all day and wake up on full alert after her "bedtime" bottle. She likes to hang with us in the bedroom and watch TV. Because she's up until about 2 most nights, it's much harder to get up with her again at 3 or 4. Or with Ben when he wakes up cheerful and happy at 5 or 6. Because little darling that he is, he started sleeping through the night a couple of weeks ago. Completely oblivious to his sisters party all night, sleep all day schedule.

Which is why I'm blogging at 4:30 in the morning. Maggie is sleeping on my chest. For the moment, as soon as I try to put her back in the crib there will be screaming. And Ben is starting to stir in the nursery. Thank God for coffee.

The babies are happy and healthy. So far so good letting them do it how they want to. I sleep, sometimes. It's good enough.

And I keep the one promise I made to myself a long time ago. Even if I don't have time for anything else, I take a shower every day. And that's good enough for me.

Mommy is a horrible blogger

But a dedicated photographer. Later today, if I feel motivated, I'll add words. But for now, here it is, my life in pictures.

And just for kicks since it's Friday? My husband rocks, and I am thankful for him everyday. I knew that he would be an excellent Dad, but I had no idea just how perfect he would be at it. I love him more and more everyday and watching him with our babies is amazing. I couldn't do it without him, and I cannot believe how lucky I am that he is mine.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of my fellow bloggers and readers! Whether you are mothers now, or some of the women I know who will be the best moms ever when they kick IF butt, or someone who is just today celebrating their mother, I hope that you had a great day!

Let me start with this: My 40 week belly shot. With the babies on our May 3rd due date! Maggie Ben

What a difference a year makes. I was just looking back, and last year right around this time, I was starting my first IUI with injectables. I have photos from this time of May of needles, and the sharps container and then a couple weeks later my poor bruised and bloated belly. It didn't work, and I've thought a lot since the twins arrived about how if any of our failed attempts had worked, we wouldn't have the babies we have now.

And man, do we love the ones we have. Since we've been home from the hospital, life has been so different, but so much more than we had before. We are busy, tired, and a little snippy at times, but we are parents. We have children. My husband is a Daddy, and I am a Mom.

A Mom. It is crazy. Part of me still wonders when someone is going to come and pick them up like we've been babysitting. All the Mommy rules I know were someone else's rules, and I realize now that I'm the one who gets to make them. That means that if I want to use binkies, take them to the store, dress them in goofy outfits. . .I'm allowed.

I can photograph them as much as I want to. I can let them sleep on me on the couch, and (gasp) have a blanket over both of us. I can stick my finger in their mouth to get something or to soothe them and sing them country songs with inappropriate lyrics. I can not worry about germs if I want to, or I can obsessively make people use Purell. They are MINE. And I am eternally grateful.

I thought I would post some photos of what we do around here, and what has been happening since my last update.

We snuggle in the Pack and Play

We hang out on the couch in our boppies

We wear stylish and eco-friendly diapers

We snuggle on the couch with Daddy or Mommy

We like to go for walks with the dog

We spend time in our bouncy chairs giving the animals the stink eye

Maggie likes to go for a ride in the swing

Ben likes to hang with his dog Lily

We spend time getting snuggled by our Great-Grandmas

We have playdates with our friends

We let Mommy and Daddy take embarassing photos for the future.

Or normal ones

Mommy did our first monthly photo shoot with our stuffed animals


And we really love our Daddy!