Bad Mommy Moments

Ben has had a bad day. So far today there have been three bad moments. First, he wet through a diaper because between Andy and I we didn't realize he hadn't been changed for 7 hours. I guess you could say this is one downside of using cloth - it doesn't expand when wet, or smell funny when it is wet or dirty. I can no longer stand the smell of disposables, especially when they are wet, so those get changed right away. In the cloth, sometimes we just forget. Today, forgetting led to a wet outfit and a wet couch.

Second bad thing today was getting nicked with the nail clippers. I didn't realize I had done it until I saw the little bit of blood on his onesie (the same one that got peed on). The whole baby nail clipping this is such a nerve wracking experience anyway. Andy won't touch their nails, so it's a mommy job, and I try to get all 20 fingernails done at least once a week because they grow like crazy. Ben had been looking like he got into a fight with all the scratches so it had to be done.

Probably today's biggest whopper was that he rode home from Panera not buckled into his carseat. As soon as I got off at our exit, it hit me that I hadn't remembered to rebuckle him in before we left. My heart dropped and I couldn't believe it had happened. I have read so many mommies say that this is a moment that happens to just about everyone one time or another, but oh my god.

Thankfully, Ben has been pretty oblivious to all of this today. Right now he's happily snoozing on the couch. He's been snuggled. He's been fed. He's had boob time. He doesn't know that Mommy has been a bad Mommy today, and doesn't hold it against me. But this is one of those days that will make me feel guilty for awhile.

Maggie on the other hand has had a great day. She has been sleeping most of it, probably since she stayed up until 12:30 last night. The only bad thing that has happened to her today was that I tried to put a boob in her mouth. She is not a fan.

I am still trying to nurse both of them, although it is looking grimmer and grimmer. Ben is happy to nurse anytime I want him to. Only problem is that he still needs a bottle top off most of the time. I pump quite a bit, and I know I have low milk production. This is irritating for a lot of reasons, one of them being that I'm on a drug that isn't FDA approved that I had to order from New Zealand, and I still have low production. My body, that fabulous system of supply and demand that is supposed to recognize not only that I have twins, but that they were born early, and to provide everything they need, makes only enough milk for one of them. Sometimes. It's frustrating.

Maggie on the other hand is back to screaming when I try to nurse her. We have occasional moments of success, and she will nurse with the shield sometimes, but mostly it is just frustrating for both of us. I hate the thought of nursing one of them and bottle feeding the other, but there you have it. I guess we'll figure out who comes out smarter and with less ear infections. The frustrating thing is that I think she WANTS to nurse. We watched a video once on baby-led nursing with a baby who wiggled and squirmed until they were lined up with a nipple, making cooing noises and mouthing around. Maggie does all of this, paws at my neckline, smiles at me, nuzzles in, wiggles into position. . .and screams when I try to put it in her mouth. You know how mommies are supposed to know what their babies need? She is by all accounts acting like a baby who wants to nurse. I think she's frustrated because she can't get the milk out. She knows it's there, but can't do it.

We have been seeing a lactation consultant, going to the support group, and trying for three months now. I have these moments of wondering why in the world I'm still doing it. Why it is so important to me. And where in the world we went wrong.

I don't believe that it is just because she is small or because she was 3 weeks early. I should have pushed for it in the recovery room, I should have asserted myself with the nurses in the NICU and someone should have told me it would be okay. But I blame myself most for giving up on her for a couple of weeks a long time ago, when I decided to just concentrate on Ben. Well, what do you know, he has the whole thing figured out and she still can't do it.

Bad Mommy moments.

I have bonked heads on the wall in the stairwell and the handle of the carseat. I have slept with them in bed with pillows and blankets. We found Maggie with a plastic grocery bag in her hand that we had left next to her on the bed. I yelled back one afternoon when I couldn't take the screaming anymore. I have ignored a crying baby (or two) to take a shower. My first reaction to them waking up at night is typically to wake up Andy and tell him a baby is crying. We've given Ben a pink binkie, and we share bottles and binks back and forth all the time. Andy and I said after a few days home with us, the NICU nurses would have probably taken them back if they saw us at home. I don't Purell in between babies.

But even with all of this, I can't help but think we're doing okay. They're happy (most of the time), they are gaining weight (some more than others, Mr. Benjamin), they are dressed warmly and cutely. We love them to pieces, and cuddle them all the time.

I worry about breastfeeding. I worry about going back to work. I worry about losing Andy at home with us when he starts back to work next week. I worry about not being able to take care of them myself at night when he starts on the second shift we are stuck with him working - right around the time I go back to school in August. I worry about vitamins, I worry about vaccinations, I worry about them not rolling over, or grabbing at things, or any of those other baby milestones they are supposed to be reaching. I worry about not doing tummytime enough, and I worry about tormenting them with tummytime. On vacation, when I was driving, I had a brief moment of panic wondering what would happen if the car ran off the road and into water. My heart was literally racing as I pictured what it would take to get into the backseat to get the babies out of their carseats and out of the car if it was submerging. Yeah, we watched that episode of Mythbusters.

Basically, just wanted to throw out there to the universe that I'm a bad mommy sometimes. And I think that admitting it, and worrying about it makes me a much better mommy. Because my theory is that bad mommies don't know they are bad. The fact that I admit it, the fact that I worry about it, the fact that I worry about the invisible panel of judges that are watching all of my moves and my decisions and my mistakes? This is what is going to make me better, and this is what my kids are going to remember.

If all else fails, they say that no one has any memories of the time before they are two. So I have a couple more years to get things right.