35 Weeks and Waiting. . . .

So 6 days ago, the doctor told me that he would guess 7-10 days until babies the got here, and he would be doing cartwheels if I made it to 10. So for the past 6 days, I've felt like we're just waiting. And waiting. Waiting for what? Who knows. Will my water break, will I start spotting or bleeding? Will I have contractions? I don't know. But I do know this.

I'm a survivor of infertility. And I'm used to waiting.

I started thinking about this and realized just how much waiting became what having a child meant to us. When we got married, I already had babies on the brain. We weren't getting any younger, but we wanted to wait at least a little while. I went off the pill. We waited a couple of months to actually start "trying" to let my body recover. I started charting. We waited month after month for the temperature to spike, or the CM to be just right, or the OPK to have a line that was just darker than the control line. Then of course the dreaded two week wait. Month after month, waiting, wondering, hoping, analyzing symptoms, making myself crazy. Peeing on the stick, waiting for that second line, waiting the 10 minute time period hoping it would appear.

I had told Andy that I didn't think it would happen immediately. He was way more confident in our fertile capabilities. I did talk him into starting a couple of months earlier than we had planned using my "the school district builds in extra days just in case we have snowdays" theory, and we started trying even though it wouldn't be ideal timing. Oh, if we only knew.

I spent months looking at my charts, looking at the inconsistent patterns, knowing something was wrong. Or knowing our timing was perfect, but not getting those two lines. . .but we just waited for it to happen. Waited for our month. Waited for the BFP that would come because we loved each other and we wanted desperately to start a family. Because we were doing everything right, and we would make good parents.

Waiting until the nurse practitioner who saw me at my OB looked at my charts and recommended we go to see a RE since she agreed something didn't look right. Getting up the courage, calling, and waiting for our first appointment. Walking hand in hand to that office, not knowing how long our struggle would continue, or how much heartbreak and how much joy we would find there. The first time my husband got to see me in stirrups, but certainly not the last. The first time we sat at the doctors big desk hearing the words and the terms I had researched and feared.

We had tests, and of course there was waiting. Finding out bad news, more bad news, and percentages month after month that looked more dismal. Trying to hold out hope, trying the protocols recommended, and again waiting for results. Clomid with IUI's, injectables with IUI. . .in reality, waiting for more bad news. That was what I kept thinking month after month. Wanting to be hopeful, trying to be positive, but in reality just waiting for the news to get worse.

I started this blog when I was starting the IVF process. The first part of our journey is captured on paper, and going back through it every time, I'm amazed at how much we didn't know was to come. At the beginning of my blog, I think I covered all the waiting that goes into IVF. Waiting to start, waiting for stims, waiting for egg retrieval, waiting for the fert report, waiting for transfer, waiting for beta. . . .

And then I was pregnant.

And everything that was supposed to be wonderful and hopeful and bright turned into worry. I very recently realized just how long I spent waiting for the other shoe to drop. How most of this pregnancy was filled with disbelief and fear. Now I'm a worrier by nature, so who knows how I would have reacted to pregnancy that came about without the journey we took?

But I know how much IF has affected me. I got my BFP at home, but still waited anxiously for first and second beta results. I peed on a lot of sticks, just waiting for one to tell me it was all a dream. I spent weeks (hell, months) holding my breath before checking the toilet paper for blood. I worried over miscarriage and waited for it. I worried for our first ultrasound that we might have empty sacs, or that all three embryos would be going strong. After our first ultrasound when we found two babies, but one heartbeat, I waited for bad news at the next. I waited to find out we had lost a twin, or that something was wrong with one or both of them. I kept waiting for bad news, but none came.

We entered the second trimester and I started worrying about delivering too early. We hit 26 weeks and all I could think about was viability. Every week that went by became another week closer to everything being okay. But still, I waited for something to go wrong. They would come early, they would be too small, they would be weak, they would spend months in the NICU. I was waiting to be put on bedrest. I pictured tiny helpless preemies, and worried.

And yet despite all this, I'm sitting here, 35w3d and thinking. . .now I'm just waiting for my babies. I don 't know exactly when hope crept in to replace the doubt, the worry and the fear, but here we are. I think this is why all of a sudden, I'm a little freaked out about the babies actually being here. Because suddenly they are real. They are no longer just a dream, or just something to constantly worry about losing. I have babies inside me, people who are going to come out soon, and need to be fed, and changed and cuddled and loved, and I feel like we've made it. I know there are still possibilities of things going wrong. But for the first time, hope and positive thoughts have taken over the worry.

All I am waiting for now, is the arrival of my two precious bundles of joy, our children. And all the waiting, all the worry, all the struggles are going to be worth it. If it had been easy, I don't know if I would have been as grateful. If we had been fertile, and not had to go through the testing, and the failed cycles, would we appreciate this as much?

I'm going to be a Mom.

34 weeks in that photo. . .and just waiting. And I know that Mommyhood is going to just bring more worry, more waiting, more hope and fear, and everything else that comes with it.

I can't wait.

Man, have I been busy.

No really, that's a lie. I mean, sure, growing rugrats is a job that keeps my body busy, but I still can't figure out why I haven't had time for updates. I've been off of work for two weeks - doctors orders, but no official bedrest. We're calling it modified bedrest if people ask, but really what it means is that I'm not allowed to work and have orders to rest and keep my feet up as much as possible. I can handle this!

The doctor is no longer worried about the babies and their growth. Between our 30 week and our 32 week ultrasound each of our little guys put on about a pound. Since they are showing consistent growth, even though Maggie is still smaller, they are both looking good. At 32 weeks, she was weighing in at 3lbs, 12 oz. and he was 4lbs 10 oz. They should still be putting on a half a pound a week, which means I figure by now, we are around 4 and 5 pounds! Since so many of my friends have recently had early babies, I know that 4 pounders aren't bad at all. I'm 34 weeks tomorrow, and I have no signs of early labor or concerns. Our doctor said that as of now, if I go into labor on my own he won't stop it! Crazy!

I'm still on Procardia, but I'm getting more contractions at night. They say it's normal, but man is it uncomfortable, and it makes me have to pee everytime it happens. Fantastic, lol. He will take me off of it at 35 or 36 weeks, and I don't know how long my body will hold out before it starts contracting again without the medicine. We're hoping to make it to 36 or 37 weeks, and I'm leaning towards a voluntary c-section even if he is willing to let me go vaginally. Both of the babies are head down now, but with Ben being in line to come second and being bigger with a big head, I don't want to chance delivering one and having to have intervention to have him! I'm going to talk to our doctor about this more next week, at our last appointment he was rushing out for a c-section and I forgot to ask.

I do officially have PUPPPS. It's miserable, but it's getting better. I took these photos at 31 weeks when it was at its peak. I was willing to think the rash on my belly might have been something else, but then it spread around my entire body. I'm only willing to show cyberspace my arm and my belly, there were other areas that were worse! God Bless Dr. Google, because between the homeopathic remedies and my acupuncturist, I think we've been kicking its itchy little butt. I have been taking Dandelion Root supplements, using something called Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap two or three times a day, and taking my antihistimine from the doctor only at bedtime unless it's really bad. The rash has mostly disappeared, but I've had more itchiness on my belly again the past couple of days. Since this isn't a condition that affects the babies, the medical community doesn't seem too concerned about it. It will hopefully clear up after the babies get here, but I've heard people say they are still chasing down spots of rash for 4-6 months after delivery!

This will also have to be my 31 week belly pic since we forgot to take one and I spent most of this week in a nightgown and my robe because anything with a waist was driving the belly crazy!

Lily really is excited about becoming a big sister, I'm sure of it. Don't let her face fool you.
32 weeks! I still don't think I look like I'm having twins, or like I'm measuring 45 weeks, but I really shouldn't complain! I am so blessed to even have made it this far, and I can't believe I'm still pregnant!

And 33 weeks! This was taken on St. Patrick's Day, so don't mind the goofy shirt. Actually, there's a funny story about this tank top. I found it back in like November on clearance at the Gap Maternity store. It was like $1.99 and DH insisted I should get it. I said, I can't imagine where I would possibly wear something like that in the winter, unless I'm still pregnant on St. Patrick's Day. Well what do you know, still pregnant! It looked ridiculous, but hey, I just wore it over to my parents for dinner. No one saw me in public :-)

And that's about it! Our only other big news recently is that my husband is looking for a new job. . .his company had to do its third round of layoffs, and his department didn't get spared this time. While getting laid off when your wife is 33 weeks pregnant with twins is certainly not ideal timing, we are staying hopeful that it will all work out, and that there was a reason this happened now. If nothing else, it certainly is giving us plenty of time together before the babies get here, and I don't have to worry about driving anywhere by myself, or possibly going into labor when he's almost an hour away from the hospital. Oh, and someone is almost always here at my beck and call :-). I think I'm starting to nest, and he can help me do it!

Did someone ask for photos?

Since I've been gone. . .

• Two trips into Labor and Delivery - once for annoying BH contractions that wouldn't go away (and another shot of terbutaline) and once for what seems to be me developing hypoglycemia - low blood sugar. My MFM said that most of the time he's telling his patients they need to cut down on carbs, I need to bulk up on them.
  
  
• I haven't put on weight in three weeks, and it makes me worry that I'm the one failing my babies.



• We have started doing baby laundry, and the nursery is almost organized, we're just waiting on our dresser to come in (should be in next week) so we can finally get it all together.



• Our little Maggie isn't growing well. Ben has put on a whole extra pound over her, and at our last appointment, she was only weighing 2 lb 12 oz, and he was weighing 3 lb 13 oz. We're hoping our little peanut girl starts to bulk up, she still looks good, her placenta is fine, and fluid is good, otherwise we would have been talking about delivery at our last appointment. Any growing vibes anyone could send our way would be appreciated.



• Since Ben is the big guy and he is on top, we're likely looking at a c-section. I'm okay with it. I can schedule it at 37 weeks if we medically make it that far without further complications.



• I think I've come down with PUPPS. The very itchy, bumpy belly is a giveaway. It's horrible, and it makes me so sad that Andy can't really even rub my belly anymore without it being uncomfortable. I'm trying a couple of homeopathic things I read about online, and hoping that they help clear it up soon.

Onto the pictures! I realized I never posted pictures of our first shower thrown as a surprise by my SIL Sarah when my best friend was in town visiting from Belgium. It was such a fun night, and I can't believe they pulled off the surprise!

Here I am with Beth

The adorable diaper cake
Close up of the cute little booties
A small preview of the wardrobe my little fashion bugs are aquiring due to some doting aunties.
One of the cute pink/blue combos we got as a gift. I think everyone enjoyed shopping for two!
We finally put up our wall letters! I'm a little bummed about the pink letters not showing up so well on the pink, but it will have to do!

Holy crap - baby laundry! We couldn't stand how cute the little socks were in the washing machine. Our big shower was thrown by my fabulous SIL Patti who went all out with the Two Peas in a Pod theme. This shower was for both of our families, we had a wonderful time, and got a lot of fabulous gifts for our little ones. We were overwhelmed!

Belly shot at the shower - 27 weeks!Another adoring auntie collection of adorable clothes. . .
Opening gifts - I was so glad Andy was there to help, I could barely bend to pick up gifts!
The cake table - my Aunt Joannie made our cake, and it was gorgeous and delicious

The prizes and the cute Peas theme tagsThe centerpieces were two peas in a pod (there were diapers in there) and at our place, she had filled the basket with Peas onesies, bibs, toys and other goodies.
And the closet - After.
And since I'm behind on belly photos - watch me grow!

28 weeks:

29 weeks
30 weeks!

Snow Day!!!

When you become a teacher, you never outgrow the excitement that those words can bring. For most of my days in school as a kid, my Mom taught in the same district where I went to school. She would get that early morning phone call, wake me up to tell me, and since we would both be too excited to sleep, we would go hang out in the living room or kitchen, watch the news to see the weather and hear the school closings, and then maybe nap later.

In that tradition, I am blogging today at 5:30 in the morning.

Things haven't been too exciting since my last post, thank goodness. The Procardia seems to be doing the trick, and the contractions have slowed to a normal handful a day, mainly when I'm standing up, bending for something, or sitting in a way that feels uncomfortable. On Monday, when I went to the MFM, I was expecting some kind of rules, I was sure I would be on bedrest, and I wanted to know how likely it was that these babies were going to come eary.

Instead, I was pretty much just there to get an FFN test done to see if I was likely to go into labor in the next two weeks. Apparently they should have done that in the hospital but didn't. My results came back negative as the doctor had predicted, and he's leaving it up to me whenever I am ready to be done with work, I can be done. I really don't want to have to make my own decision!

I'll see how it goes. It would be great financially and leave wise if I could just stick it out for another 4-8 weeks. I don't see me making it the full 8 weeks (I don't think the babies are going to cook until 38 weeks!) but I would like to try to make it through February before being stuck at home. Realistically, if I feel like I have been with the low levels of activity at home, I don't know how it will go. I don't exactly have a job where I can sit at my desk with my feet up, or lay down for small stretches.

As promised, new pictures of the nuggets. It has occured to me that I haven't done the big reveal of their names yet in here, even though I've told a lot of people!

So formally introducing to the blog world. . . .Benjamin Andrew:

And Margaret Jane:Now, I have to admit, Andy and I have ALWAYS made fun of the 3d pictures. We think they are creepy. I have seen more people post babies that look like screaming aliens, and we had always said that if given the choice, we didn't need the 3D ultrasound.

Until the girl switched to the 3D at my last ultrasound. I had no idea she was going to do that until it popped up on the screen. And then, well, I was kind of way excited about the adorable images I was seeing of my children. I was bummed that Andy wasn't at the ultrasound, but my 89 year old Grandma was, and I know she had never seen anything like it.

During the ultrasound, I think I got a scary glimpse of my future. As it may be obvious in my blog, and people in real life know this about me - I am a big photographer. I love taking pictures, and I take pictures all the time. I even have a dog that will look at the camera with mouth closed for God's sake. During the ultrasound photoshoot, I started hearing the tech say things like, Oh, boy is kicking girl in the head. Sister is sitting on brother. I can't get a clear shot of your little girl because her brother keeps sticking his foot in her face.

They will learn quickly around here, that you don't mess with Mommy's photos!

Real belly shots this week! This is my 26 week belly in our nursery. I still can't believe we have cribs set up, and clothes in the closet. These babies are seeming more and more real, and I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I'm so excited, I realized that you can see my newly forming stretchmarks in this one! They are starting to pop up on my hips, boobs, and under my belly button. I knew it was coming, but I was really hoping to be one of the lucky ones who avoided them! According to the doctor, I'm measuring 38 weeks. I still don't think I look like a woman with a singleton who would be about to pop, but he's the doctor. Oh, and Andy thought this was hysterical. I've been craving (not really like that crazy pregnant lady you imagine, but more just a Hmm, that sounds good kind of feeling) ice cream lately, and so I've been having a bowl at night. This night, we were down to the end of the carton, so Andy brought me the carton, Black Cherry with my chocolate syrup added. Of course, he grabbed the camera because doesn't every pregnant woman need that photo of herself eating straight out of the carton while balancing it on her very pregnant belly?

Adventures in Labor and Delivery, Nursery updates, etc.

What an interesting week we've had. Last weekend, I had started to get worried since I had only been feeling baby girl, and nothing from the baby boy side of my uterus. Since movement before that had been pretty regular, it seemed strange. I called my doctor Tuesday, and he sent me into Labor and Delivery for monitoring. I left school in a panic, As soon as they were able to find baby boy's heartbeat I felt silly and was ready to go home. Of course they kept me for a couple of hours and we even got a free peek at the rugrats. They were fine, just squirming away. The next day I woke up to the gentle tapping and kicking from his side, just like normal. Little booger.

Wednesday I went in for an ultrasound, and got some pretty nice pictures. More on that later, since I have too much else to post here!

Thursday I woke up just feeling really pregnant. I was uncomfortable, I was crabby, and just felt off all day. To top it off, I had a really bad day at work, and I left school feeling more frustrated and upset than I have all year with the things that happen there. In the car on the way to the chiropractor, I couldn't stop crying, and eventually felt a contraction that I figured was not to be unexpected.

Unfortunately, after my appointment, they started up again, and after having about 8 in a row, I called my doctor. He told me to lay down, drink some water, and to call back if I had 4 more in the next hour because I would be going to the hospital. 15 minutes later, I was on contraction number 5 and I called him back. Back to Labor and Delivery. As we were checking in, I mentioned we had been there 2 days ago, so she replied "You probably haven't moved or changed insurance since then, right?" and I got to skip the initial questions.

We were sent back to triage and hooked up to the monitors and while the babies were fine and squirming away, I was having mild contractions. They slowed down at the hospital, but were still enough to be concerning. On top of that, they checked my cervix (my first time with that lovely experience) and I was found to be a fingertip dilated. I was given a shot of Terbutaline and monitored for a few hours.

I was discharged around midnight with a prescription for Procardia to keep the contractions away and told to stay home from work until I could see my doctor early the next week. My discharge instructions said to stay off my feet as much as possible. Friday I was fine, but yesterday was a busier day.

First of all, our cribs arrived! We decided to set up the bedding to see how it would look, and I'm pretty pleased with the end result. Now we're just waiting on the dresser (hopefully it won't take too long!).

We finished hanging up all of the clothes we have so far. . .I suspect that after my shower Sunday we'll have quite a few more! Not in the closet are the three strollers we have now, lol. By the end of the day yesterday, I was feeling really uncomfortable. My entire belly ached, I had felt about 3 or 4 contractions during the day. My whole body kind of hurt, and I wasn't sure if it was a side effect of the drugs, or just the effects of my uterus overworking itself on Thursday. Before I went to bed I decided to call the nurseline my insurance company had provided as part of a maternity monitoring program. The nurse that I talked to was very nice, but I kind of got scolded for doing too much on Saturday (all without leaving the house!). My instructions from her were to do only one trip up and down the stairs today, drink more water and spend most of the day laying down, not just sitting down. She said that sitting and walking and going up and down the stairs would bring the full weight of my uterus down on my cervix, and that was what was making me uncomfortable. It all made sense, and she answered a lot of questions for me. She suspects the doctor will be putting me on bedrest Monday, and I think she is right.

So today was my first day of trying to follow stricter bedrest rules. . .here's the view from the bed this morning. I think that if nothing else, all three pets will be keeping me company up there! I relocated to the couch after a couple of hours, and have felt 100% better today with no more contractions.
We'll see where we go from here. I had a couple other photos to share, my 25 week belly picture (we forgot after the crazy week - in the glider is as good as it gets!), and my newborn diaper stash so far. I'm so excited about cloth diapering, and we're almost ready!

Well, that's all for now. Expect more blogging if I'm stuck on house arrest!

Progress

I don't have a whole lot of updates, or a whole lot of energy, I just wanted to share a little bit of progress we have made!

First off - the nursery is painted! It is so different from the rest of the house, it is taking getting used to. I think I love it, but I can't wait to see it with stuff in there.

Here are a couple of pictures:

My parents splurged on us and picked up our Bumbleride Indie Twin for a Christmas/shower gift. I LOVE it! We had to order a replacement part (hence the missing wheel) but it now is all fixed. I can't wait to try it out with babies in it :-)

This weekend we are going to order our nursery furniture. We did order our glider for the nursery, and it should be in soon. This weekend we need to put a closet organizer in, paint the hallway and stairwell and organize the new office.

And here I am at 24 weeks! The belly is a growing, my feet are swelling, and the engagement ring had to come off. This is the beginning of the end I think.

Time for a little AWing

Happy Holidays and Welcome 2009! I really did think that I would manage to at least get in ONE post during Winter Break. . .Apparently not. We were so busy with everything else that I never had time to get it done. I have a lot of updates, plenty to talk about, great ideas for blog posts. . .but all I really want to do with this post is to AW my maternity pictures! Over break, my best friend Beth was here visiting from Belgium, so she took some maternity photos for me. She did an awesome job - these are only cropped, no editing at all! I know it's early, but when you import your photographer from another country, you do what you can. So here they are, taken at 22w6d.

And of course, me with the photographer herself! The best friend you could ever have :-)