Dreams that Change

I have been trying to write this post for, well, about a month now.  Awhile ago, there was a conversation on my local board about what you want your kids to be when they grow up. Particularly your daughters.  An entire board of women, many of whom are stay at home Moms, had great ambitions for their daughters.  Doctor, actress, scientist, lawyer, President.  I was thinking that it is all well and good to have these hopes for our daughters, but when did we give up on us?

I never wanted to be much more than a Mom.  I knew from a very early age that I wanted to have kids, I wanted to have more than one, and I wanted to be a good Mommy.  Family was always first on my mind.  If I was going to do anything, I was going to be a teacher.  I have wanted that since I was five or so, I played in the basement, pretended to be in school.  My first grade teacher had extra dittos, and I can still remember her putting them all out around the room at recess so we could go around and pick up extras to take home to play school.  The past couple of years, I have not only doubted if I could ever find a full time position at this point, but honestly, I haven't been sure if I wanted to.  I hate to say that my experience at my old school and being let go like I did has ruined it for me, but I really don't have the confidence that I used to.  I like subbing, I do, and I am good at it.  I don't have to put the extra time in, I am not doing lesson plans or grading, and I get to work with all different classes and ages.

I miss the connections.  I miss watching kids grow through the year.  I miss the camaraderie and friendship with the other teachers, the sharing of ideas and using the creative part of my brain.  I miss feeling that I will be in the same building for a number of years, watching the kids grow up, having them come back to visit and feeling old.

But at the same time, I can't imagine doing all of that, and being a Mom.  I have three little ones that need me, that love me, that love it when I am home.  I don't want to work 50 hour weeks.  I don't want to be grading papers when I could be snuggling a baby.  

The twins start preschool in the Fall, and while I know Andy had high hopes of me hitting the job trail again and finding that elusive elementary position, I couldn't figure out what we would do.  How we could make the schedule work, and the drop off and pick ups, and who would watch the baby?  I have been thinking, if we only can make it a couple of years, the kids will be in Kindergarten, the schedule will make sense.  But in the meantime, the money is tight, I feel guilty like I am not making a reasonable contribution, and I feel like my mind is turning to mush sometimes.

And then Andy saw something on Craigslist, a small seed was planted, and Friday, I took my last pre-licensing class to become a real estate agent.  I go tomorrow to apply for my licensing test, sign the papers with my new company, and I am on my way to a new career.

Dreams that change.  As Moms, when did we give up on ourselves?  The Mom that is sitting home, making lunch, and kissing booboos, who wants her daughter to grow up to be a doctor, when does she get a chance to reclaim her dreams?  We all had higher hopes when we were little, right?  When do you just say "I'm done, I'm a grown up" and move on to having hopes for your children?

But I am starting over.  I will continue subbing as I can, will be the primary chauffeur of the preschool crowd, and will hopefully be starting a long, interesting and profitable career in real estate.

Maybe now, I will officially be a grown up.  And I can stop worrying about me, and be ready to raise the next president.  Or astronaut  Or. . . well, whatever they want to be.  I was thinking that this was a decision I am making for me, but also, hopefully, doing what is best for my family.  I can work different hours, work around what the kids need, and work primarily from home.  I told my new manager when he asked what my salary expectations were, and I told him that last year I made less than $3000 subbing.  I should have made about $50,000 teaching if I had continued.  Anywhere in between that?  That would be a good year.    

So, that is where I am at, and where I was in July.  I feel like I lost half my summer, but classes four days a week for three weeks just made life a little crazy.  I looked back at where I needed to catch up with photos, and here is  the end of June/July in a nutshell! The first ones are from Father's Day, some just don't need words.

This is the best picture I got of them on July 4th celebrations.  I don't think it's going to be calendar worthy.

Ben is loving on the dog like crazy lately.  It is so sweet.  She is so going to be his dog when he gets a little bigger.

We had quite a few wading pool days before my classes started.  So fun!

Family traffic jam in the driveway.   

Surprise family ice cream social, turns out it was to announce the engagement of one of Andy's cousins.  Is there a polite way to recommend that your kids be in the wedding?  Because hello, matching set!  I have been dying for them to be in a wedding, and didn't know if anyone would be getting married in the right timeframe!

Adorable babies.  Adorable photo.  I'm not going to lie, this was my first successful Photomerge.  Awesome feature!  

A couple of weekends ago, Beth and I had a Mommy's weekend off.  This is going to have to be a semi-annual tradition.  We used my parents house since they were in Florida (and me doing a girls weekend is so not in the budget), so it was really just being able to finish conversations, get pedicures, have a couple of meals out alone,work on photo stuff, and other things we don't have time for.  It was awesome.  This time, I still had to keep Mia with us overnight, but hopefully when we do it again in January, I can have the whole weekend to myself!  

This is Jessie from Toy Story.  On one of our wading pool days, we went to the dollar store to get some pool toys and this is what Ben picked out.  It has become his favorite little lovey.  He needs to know where she is at all times, sleeps with her clutched in his hand.  This picture is actually our second Jessie.  Shhh, don't tell Ben.  He would ask, everyday, where Jessie was hiding, and just be stressed about it all the time.  So we replaced her, and life is good again.

Just some fun bedtime photo shots.  My kids.  My loves.  So alike, so different, so mine.

Yesterday, Andy and I took the kids to the county fair.  It was our anniversary.  Who would have thought 6 years ago that we would be spending our anniversary there, with our three little ones.  Who would have known I would be changing career paths, not teaching full time.  He would be doing what he is doing.  We would still be in this condo.  But who could have imagined how much we would love this life, no matter what, because at the end of the day, we have each other.  We have them.  And we have all we could possibly need right here in this house.

Mia was so glad to find the chickens.  She has made this "bocka bocka bocka" sound since she first started babbling.  I thought it might mean Maggie.  We came in to the chicken barn, were making the noises, and she started waving and pointing and smiling.  Apparently, she has known all along that her favorite animals are chickens.

Our first carnival ride.  They loved it.  Just for the record, Ben is just taller than a yardstick, and Maggie is under.  So Daddy got to go on the helicopter too.   

That is it!  Big changes coming soon.  Preschool in September, Mommy's new job, and, with any luck, a move in our future.  Dreams coming true, dreams to come.  Oh boy.