The picture will change

I think I am having a baby this week.  I go back and forth between being excited to meet her, and being a little bit terrified of having three kids.  I mean really, what were we thinking?  Tonight we went out to dinner for one last hurrah as a family of four.  I was having contractions as we were leaving the house and the kids were just miserable at dinner.  Maggie (our normally great dinner companion) insisted on being on someone's lap the whole meal.  Ben was so restless and agitated before dinner came that I took him for a walk and with me to the bathroom.  This usually works to get him a little exercise and a chance to hang with Mommy for a few minutes.  Tonight he climbed out under the door of the stall on his belly while I was peeing.  Thank God we were the only ones in the bathroom and he couldn't figure out the exit door. 
It was one of those moments where I was thinking, why do I have kids, and why am I having another one?  What are we, crazy?  I can remember, of course, that she was a surprise, and we didn't really do this thing on purpose.  No sane person really sets out to have three kids in two years and two months. 

It is a very different feeling going into this little girl's upcoming birthday.  I am no longer feeling such an overwhelming sense of becoming a mother because of course I have already done that.  But this time, what I keep thinking so much about is that I am giving my children a sister. 

I think I have posted about this before, but I have a very slim family tree.  I am an only child and my parents are both only children.  My Dad doesn't even have cousins.  I am expanding our family by quite a bit.  I always wanted kids.  I always wanted a lot of kids.  I am pretty sure I tried to talk DH into 4 early in our marriage.  Now I can't believe we are about to have three.  I have no experience with adding a child to the family.  I don't have that childhood memory of the first time I met my baby brother, or remember resentment because of some childhood rivalry.  My husband does, and of course when you hear adult siblings reminiscing about childhood pranks and fights, and all that goes with it, when you're an only child you really can't relate. 

I already have fights to referree, my children already understand the concept of sharing, and I have seen sweeter things happen that I could have ever hoped to see, and my first two are only two.  What kind of moments will I see in the future?  What kind of love will I see between sisters, what kind of rivalries might they develop?  How will Ben relate to the girls in the family, will he be the cool brother their friends all have crushes on, or that weirdo one that they giggle about? 

My babies will become a big brother and a big sister.  They will (hopefully) feel some responsibility for this little girl I am growing.  They will constantly have another companion.  I don't think it is as big of a deal to add a kid when you already started with two.  I don't have the internal guilt of taking away my child's only child status, or changing their entire world.  They have always had to share me, but I have two hands and can fit two of them on my lap.  Where do you put the third?  How do I read stories in the rocker to everyone at once?  Will we have enough of us to go around?  We wonder what she will look like, and instead of just a general, will she have my nose, will she have his eyes, I try to picture if she will look like Ben did as a baby, with the sweetest little smile, or have Maggie's wide eyed "I know what you are thinking" wise beyond her years stare.  Will she act like one of them, or have her own way of taking on the world?   

Ready or not, here she comes.  I would love to tell you that she has a name at this point but she doesn't.  I don't know why it is so hard this time.  She has a nursery that is almost done, some new clothes and a lot of hand-me-downs and a Mommy who is hoping to do the absolute best she can to give her a life she will be happy with.  There are already a few things she has going right for her.  She has the best Daddy in the whole world, one who will rock her, soothe her, play with her, take care of her, and love her with all of his heart.  She has extended family who can't wait to meet her, and to see what she looks like.  She has a big sister who will teach her so much and a big brother with the biggest heart.  She has a Mommy who is determined to do the best she can, who is going to love her, and teach her, and take care of her. 

Who needs a crib anyway, right? 

My SIL was willing to try to do some maternity photos for me, and I wanted to just post a few of them that really show off the enormity of the belly.  Oh, and if you look carefully, the itchiness of the belly, I was fortunate enough to also develop PUPPPS again in the past couple of weeks.  One of those lucky, I beat the odds kind of things again since it isn't common to get it after your first pregnancy.  Lucky ducky me.  Warning - chubby pregnant woman ahead.  There's probably a reason most people don't wait until 38 weeks to do their maternity photos.   

And here we are, a family of four.  Maybe my last shot where it just us four.  One became two, and two became four, and soon we become a party of five.  We will outgrow a booth, we will have to figure out a new way to pose other than one parent per baby.  Things will change, things will stay the same, and we will be on to new adventures. 

Sometime this week. . .that picture will change.  I hope we are ready and I hope she is happy to join us.