And then God laughed

So, I swore to myself that I was going to blog more. I wanted to keep my updates brief, witty, full of the little day to day tidbits of my life. I wanted to post some highlights of Ben and Maggie's latest milestones, post my cute stories of the new words, new expressions, new ways to get into mischief.

On May 28th, I realized at bedtime I hadn't taken a photo. I had found out this day officially from my principal that she didn't have a place for me next year. She had not hired me full time when she had been promising that for years, did not offer me one of the 4 one year positions available. She believed I deserved more, I deserved a home, and that any school (other than hers apparently) would be happy to have me. That night, I sat around, depressed, tired, feeling like a failure, and only wanting to read books with happy endings and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer (my TV pictures never turn out). Wondering what in the world I was supposed to do with my life.

And on May 29th, God laughed.
May 30th - I had gone out to Walmart the night before to buy more tests. The dollar store cheapie that I had couldn't be right. It was a faint line, but it was a line. The kind of line I had squinted for, and held up to the light at different angles looking for and hoping for and praying for for so long before we finally had our lucky IVF cycle. This line? This line was a complete surprise, a complete shock, a completely overwhelming addition to what felt like my failure as a teacher, to making me feel like an idiot for getting knocked up on top of it. We took the digital, sat and waited for the result, and laughed our butts off when it popped up pregnant. I had been at my cousin's bridal shower, drinking pina coladas, chasing around my 14 month old twins, and in no way even remotely thinking I might be pregnant. This day, when I took the ever faithful FRER with first morning urine, it really seemed to be true.
May 31 - Memorial Day. We had told our families who also were in shock and disbelief, and again I spent time looking at my nephew and thinking something along the lines of here we go again. Are we ready for someone this small again? This helpless? To teach them again, to watch them grow, to cheer on the smallest of milestones, knowing just how much is left to come? Will Ben and Maggie get the shaft, will they lose out on valuable Mommy and Daddy time because there will be someone new among them? They will not yet be two when the new little one comes along. How can we do this to them?
June 1 - Happy Birthday Mommy! Ben was being a booger and wouldn't sit still and cooperate for a picture, but Maggie? She was hamming it up, and I thought a picture with just my adorable daughter would do just fine. She has been such a happy little thing lately, sweet, dainty, she listens, she doesn't hit, she is talking up a storm, and I am so in love with that little smile of hers.

I had gone this morning to have my betas done, my RE was more than happy to take me back. He had met with me and told me with a smile, that what they really need to remember is that a less than 1% chance doesn't mean no chance. He did an ultrasound but didn't see anything but a thick lining, and told me it might just mean that I was not as far along as he thought based on my approximate LMP. Yup, I'm that girl. Don't know when my last period started, don't know when I ovulated, no idea how far past ovulation I was. All I knew was that I had been counting and my numbers weren't adding up. Beta - 127. A little lower than it should be based on where I should be. Worried.
June 2 - Andy actually had a reservation at Chik-Fil-A that night for one of their new Spicy Chicken sandwiches. Ben and Maggie love it here, and it's an easy way to go "out" for a meal.
June 3 - Just hanging out, being goofy, and showing off the silly little Huggie's Jeans diapers that Mommy bought because they were on sale.
June 4 - Hanging out in the yard. My mom was here this day, mainly for moral support. I had gone to have bloodwork again that morning, and spent the rest of the day on pins and needles. What if I was pregnant? What if I wasn't? What if this tiny little ray of hope in me that we had a miracle in the making was going to be dashed? I was a wreck all day. I kept thinking maybe it would be better if I wasn't really pregnant, or if I lost the baby. The kinds of thoughts I'm embarassed to admit, that I was horrified to have. How long had I prayed for a baby to happen the "normal" way, just because we loved each other and wanted one. We wanted another child, had talked about doing IVF maybe next summer. Trying for a while before that on the slim chance we might get lucky. Beta - 372. Holy crap. We're pregnant.
June 5 - Cuties in the rocking chair outside of Cracker Barrel. Grandma and Grandpa came with us for breakfast.
June 6 - Our new swings are fun! Grandpa T. installed them for us so that we could swing in the backyard whenever we want.
We went out with Andy's family for my belated birthday dinner. I let him take a belly shot, because man, the bloat came on fast with this one. Belly shots so far have been few and far between, mainly because of the frustration of not knowing how pregnant I was or if I was going to lose this little one.
June 7 - Peering out the window is a favorite activity all around.
June 8 - Just a shot of my best girl. Look at all that hair! And it curls up at the ends, and in the back when it is humid. Maybe her hair really will be curly?
June 9 - And again. I'm not sure what she was eating, but she sure enjoyed making the mess. Mealtime is now. . .interesting. There is a lot of food throwing/smashing, spitting out going on and I'm not sure what to do about it.
June 10 - "Hey Andy, why don't you get a picture of me with the babies in their OWU shirts"
June 11 - This is the happy little face that greets me every morning when I go to get him out of his crib. He is always ridiculously pleased when I come in the nursery to get them up in the morning. The idea was to catch the cuteness on camera this morning. This is close. Really, in reality, even cuter. This one is trouble.
June 12 - More real estate photos - here's the nursery all cleaned up, spiffed up, and ready for the picture. Typically? There's books all over, the drawers have been emptied out, the laundry hamper is spilling over, dirty diapers laying around. . .
June 13 - The view off our back deck. One thing I love about this place, and something I will miss.
June 14 - Ben has a question. It's really funny, he actually raises his hand sometimes when I ask a question like "Who's hungry?" "Who wants more watermelon?" I swear the teacher in me didn't teach him this. Not conciously anyway.
June 15 - I got this box in the mail, and it was a big hit. Lots of pushing it around the room. I had been in the kitchen doing dishes when I came around the corner to check on them. They were both sitting in the box facing each other like they were riding in the boat. I told them to wait while I got the camera, but of course Ben was climbing out when I came back.

We had an ultrasound this day, and the baby was measuring 5w3d. Still on the small side, no heart beat. Which either meant that the little bean was just a late implanter, or it had stopped growing. Again back to waiting, not sure if I'm really pregnant or not. We've dubbed this baby Baby Uh-Oh. Cute story there, I'll have to tell it another time.
June 16 - We worked until late into the night trying to get a good picture of our kitchen. It was ridiculous how much work it took. We really need to get better at our housekeeping.
June 17 - Attack of the adorable baby! No camera is safe!
June 18 - Andy has been working a lot from home to help make us some extra money. My hero.
June 19 - We took Ben and Maggie to one of the wading pools around here. They enjoyed it, we enjoyed it, and it made me wish, just for a second, that I was a singleton mom who could take her one happy biddable baby out to a place like this alone. Sigh.
June 20 - Happy Father's Day Daddy! We love you so much, and we are so lucky to have you as our Daddy. You are the best!


June 21 - Forgot to take a picture. This is starting a bad trend.

June 22 - Here it is, our Master Bedroom. Yeah, again, only photos I took this day? Real Estate Photos. June 22 was however a redletter day. Baby Uh-Oh had made appropriate progress (6w3d) and we saw a little flickering heartbeat. Well, Andy and the RE did, I couldn't really see it. But he took it as a great sign. We think I ovulated really late, implanted really late, and had a fighter in there. Symptoms have been getting stronger, more nausea, more smell aversions, one puking incident - as yes, the first trimester. What fun, what a way to add to my stressful start to my summer, what a freaking miracle that this even happened for us.

I really do think that in this case, completely out of my hands, completely out of my control, completely in the hands of God, my life changed.

And God laughed.