Stupid Chickens

You know what they say about counting your chickens before they hatch? Well, we counted, we celebrated, we loved that egg, and while I don't think God was laughing at us this time, I guess the joke was on us.

We lost the baby. I went in this week on Tuesday for my first OB appointment at the RE, with an ultrasound just to peek at the pregnancy. Everything looked good until the ultrasound. No heartbeat. Baby was measuring around 6 weeks, which from what I can understand means either it stopped growing right after the last ultrasound where we were reassured, or grew a little longer and then started shrinking. All I know is that Baby Uh-Oh is gone, and my body never even knew.

I had been thinking that I had such an easy pregnancy. Not much nausea, I was eating all the time, and I felt pretty good. I had enough symptoms and a growing belly to make me feel like things were going along just fine. We had the shock of discovering an accidental pregnancy, just like the average Joe. We had faith renewed that there was a reason for everything, that I had lost my job, but we had this baby coming in February. We were having a baby just because we loved each other, not because we had to involve all kinds of Science.

I cautiously told people, waited to announce it to the rest of the family, waited to even announce it here until we felt more safe. I was carrying a miracle, an unexpected one, but a miracle that we didn't think was possible. I never even felt like I deserved to be pregnant, I almost felt guilty that it was too easy. We were nervous about how we were going to handle 3 kids, and emotionally, I wasn't sure I was even ready to add another baby to our household.

My D&C is today at 3:00. The baby is gone, and my world just doesn't quite make as much sense anymore.

A word to the wise - those farmers knew what they were talking about.