Falling Apart

I don't know the name of the artist because I suck at stuff like that, but the song that I can't get out of my head is "I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart, that's still beating." And the reason that I can't get it out of my head is because I feel that way right now. Like I'm falling apart, and I don't even have time to breathe.

I don't know where to start. Life right now is just not what I want. I hate working. I hate having to leave these babies everyday, I hate missing out on their morning hours, I hate having to give up all of the daytime mommy activities that I always wanted to be part of. I want to join a playgroup. I want to go to the daytime story hour. I want to be a part of my breastfeeding support group. I want to be home in the morning when they are first waking up. I want to pick out their clothes for God's sake. I want to be their Mommy, I want to be the one who takes care of them all the time. This weekend I read a book about instituting a sleep scchedule. In order to have a sleep schedule, we need an earlier bedtime. We need regular naps. They need to get up at a decent time in the morning. In order to do this, there are 5 of us who need to agree. I need to get Andy, my mother, his mother and our sitter on board with this. I need to be monitoring their food intake so we make sure they aren't going hungry.

I want to just be home to do it. Tonight was my first night of trying to put them to bed drowsy but awake (I rocked at picking the right cues for naps this weekend). I made it about 15 minutes. Now they are in bed with me, happy as can be. Maggies is having a bottle, Ben is singing - really, singing. It is freaking cute, and I've never seen it before. Everyone is wide awake, and we are back at square one.

I hate feeling like I'm a mess at work. I don't feel like I'm even doing a good job at my job that I'm leaving my babies to go to. I'm too tired, I'm too distracted, and I don't want to be there. I'm a 5 year long term sub, and I feel like I wouldn't hire me either at this point. So what is the point of being there? I think that financially, even with Andy being laid off earlier this year, we could have made sacrifices and I could have stayed home for the year. But without being offered a full time position, I didn't even have the choice. I think it will always bother me that even before we were pregnant, when Andy and I talked about what we would do when we had kids, he laughed when I told him I wanted to stay at home. He laughed, and said no, you have to work. And he didn't take me seriously, and I think I'm still upset about it.

I used to get paid to take care of other people's kids. Anybody want to pay me to take care of my own? If I could just walk in tomorrow and quit, I would do it.

I miss my husband. I hate that we are on opposite shifts. I hate being alone at night while he is at work. My Mom stays late most nights so I'm not alone, but I miss my partner. We touch all the time when we're together. We hold hands, we cuddle on the couch, he hugs me, we kiss, and we're down to just seeing each other on weekends and sometimes for an hour around 1:00 in the morning when he wakes me up so I can pump?

I've just been so down lately. I had a meltdown yesterday, and quite honestly, I'm surprised it was the first one since school started. I go, I do what I have to do, but I'm miserable. I have my miracles, I have the sweetest babies in the world, but this life is not what I wanted.

Now off to cuddle my babies. Screw CIO.