And then God laughed

So, I swore to myself that I was going to blog more. I wanted to keep my updates brief, witty, full of the little day to day tidbits of my life. I wanted to post some highlights of Ben and Maggie's latest milestones, post my cute stories of the new words, new expressions, new ways to get into mischief.

On May 28th, I realized at bedtime I hadn't taken a photo. I had found out this day officially from my principal that she didn't have a place for me next year. She had not hired me full time when she had been promising that for years, did not offer me one of the 4 one year positions available. She believed I deserved more, I deserved a home, and that any school (other than hers apparently) would be happy to have me. That night, I sat around, depressed, tired, feeling like a failure, and only wanting to read books with happy endings and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer (my TV pictures never turn out). Wondering what in the world I was supposed to do with my life.

And on May 29th, God laughed.
May 30th - I had gone out to Walmart the night before to buy more tests. The dollar store cheapie that I had couldn't be right. It was a faint line, but it was a line. The kind of line I had squinted for, and held up to the light at different angles looking for and hoping for and praying for for so long before we finally had our lucky IVF cycle. This line? This line was a complete surprise, a complete shock, a completely overwhelming addition to what felt like my failure as a teacher, to making me feel like an idiot for getting knocked up on top of it. We took the digital, sat and waited for the result, and laughed our butts off when it popped up pregnant. I had been at my cousin's bridal shower, drinking pina coladas, chasing around my 14 month old twins, and in no way even remotely thinking I might be pregnant. This day, when I took the ever faithful FRER with first morning urine, it really seemed to be true.
May 31 - Memorial Day. We had told our families who also were in shock and disbelief, and again I spent time looking at my nephew and thinking something along the lines of here we go again. Are we ready for someone this small again? This helpless? To teach them again, to watch them grow, to cheer on the smallest of milestones, knowing just how much is left to come? Will Ben and Maggie get the shaft, will they lose out on valuable Mommy and Daddy time because there will be someone new among them? They will not yet be two when the new little one comes along. How can we do this to them?
June 1 - Happy Birthday Mommy! Ben was being a booger and wouldn't sit still and cooperate for a picture, but Maggie? She was hamming it up, and I thought a picture with just my adorable daughter would do just fine. She has been such a happy little thing lately, sweet, dainty, she listens, she doesn't hit, she is talking up a storm, and I am so in love with that little smile of hers.

I had gone this morning to have my betas done, my RE was more than happy to take me back. He had met with me and told me with a smile, that what they really need to remember is that a less than 1% chance doesn't mean no chance. He did an ultrasound but didn't see anything but a thick lining, and told me it might just mean that I was not as far along as he thought based on my approximate LMP. Yup, I'm that girl. Don't know when my last period started, don't know when I ovulated, no idea how far past ovulation I was. All I knew was that I had been counting and my numbers weren't adding up. Beta - 127. A little lower than it should be based on where I should be. Worried.
June 2 - Andy actually had a reservation at Chik-Fil-A that night for one of their new Spicy Chicken sandwiches. Ben and Maggie love it here, and it's an easy way to go "out" for a meal.
June 3 - Just hanging out, being goofy, and showing off the silly little Huggie's Jeans diapers that Mommy bought because they were on sale.
June 4 - Hanging out in the yard. My mom was here this day, mainly for moral support. I had gone to have bloodwork again that morning, and spent the rest of the day on pins and needles. What if I was pregnant? What if I wasn't? What if this tiny little ray of hope in me that we had a miracle in the making was going to be dashed? I was a wreck all day. I kept thinking maybe it would be better if I wasn't really pregnant, or if I lost the baby. The kinds of thoughts I'm embarassed to admit, that I was horrified to have. How long had I prayed for a baby to happen the "normal" way, just because we loved each other and wanted one. We wanted another child, had talked about doing IVF maybe next summer. Trying for a while before that on the slim chance we might get lucky. Beta - 372. Holy crap. We're pregnant.
June 5 - Cuties in the rocking chair outside of Cracker Barrel. Grandma and Grandpa came with us for breakfast.
June 6 - Our new swings are fun! Grandpa T. installed them for us so that we could swing in the backyard whenever we want.
We went out with Andy's family for my belated birthday dinner. I let him take a belly shot, because man, the bloat came on fast with this one. Belly shots so far have been few and far between, mainly because of the frustration of not knowing how pregnant I was or if I was going to lose this little one.
June 7 - Peering out the window is a favorite activity all around.
June 8 - Just a shot of my best girl. Look at all that hair! And it curls up at the ends, and in the back when it is humid. Maybe her hair really will be curly?
June 9 - And again. I'm not sure what she was eating, but she sure enjoyed making the mess. Mealtime is now. . .interesting. There is a lot of food throwing/smashing, spitting out going on and I'm not sure what to do about it.
June 10 - "Hey Andy, why don't you get a picture of me with the babies in their OWU shirts"
June 11 - This is the happy little face that greets me every morning when I go to get him out of his crib. He is always ridiculously pleased when I come in the nursery to get them up in the morning. The idea was to catch the cuteness on camera this morning. This is close. Really, in reality, even cuter. This one is trouble.
June 12 - More real estate photos - here's the nursery all cleaned up, spiffed up, and ready for the picture. Typically? There's books all over, the drawers have been emptied out, the laundry hamper is spilling over, dirty diapers laying around. . .
June 13 - The view off our back deck. One thing I love about this place, and something I will miss.
June 14 - Ben has a question. It's really funny, he actually raises his hand sometimes when I ask a question like "Who's hungry?" "Who wants more watermelon?" I swear the teacher in me didn't teach him this. Not conciously anyway.
June 15 - I got this box in the mail, and it was a big hit. Lots of pushing it around the room. I had been in the kitchen doing dishes when I came around the corner to check on them. They were both sitting in the box facing each other like they were riding in the boat. I told them to wait while I got the camera, but of course Ben was climbing out when I came back.

We had an ultrasound this day, and the baby was measuring 5w3d. Still on the small side, no heart beat. Which either meant that the little bean was just a late implanter, or it had stopped growing. Again back to waiting, not sure if I'm really pregnant or not. We've dubbed this baby Baby Uh-Oh. Cute story there, I'll have to tell it another time.
June 16 - We worked until late into the night trying to get a good picture of our kitchen. It was ridiculous how much work it took. We really need to get better at our housekeeping.
June 17 - Attack of the adorable baby! No camera is safe!
June 18 - Andy has been working a lot from home to help make us some extra money. My hero.
June 19 - We took Ben and Maggie to one of the wading pools around here. They enjoyed it, we enjoyed it, and it made me wish, just for a second, that I was a singleton mom who could take her one happy biddable baby out to a place like this alone. Sigh.
June 20 - Happy Father's Day Daddy! We love you so much, and we are so lucky to have you as our Daddy. You are the best!


June 21 - Forgot to take a picture. This is starting a bad trend.

June 22 - Here it is, our Master Bedroom. Yeah, again, only photos I took this day? Real Estate Photos. June 22 was however a redletter day. Baby Uh-Oh had made appropriate progress (6w3d) and we saw a little flickering heartbeat. Well, Andy and the RE did, I couldn't really see it. But he took it as a great sign. We think I ovulated really late, implanted really late, and had a fighter in there. Symptoms have been getting stronger, more nausea, more smell aversions, one puking incident - as yes, the first trimester. What fun, what a way to add to my stressful start to my summer, what a freaking miracle that this even happened for us.

I really do think that in this case, completely out of my hands, completely out of my control, completely in the hands of God, my life changed.

And God laughed.

The House that Built Me

This post has gone through several title changes, but this is the one that I decided to stick with and my original thoughts. Somewhere in there should be a Happy Mother's Day, Thank God for Zoloft and The End of the World as We Know It (and I don't feel fine). Yesterday my principal sat down with me and told me in the nicest way possible that I don't have a place there next year. She couldn't give me full-time, she couldn't give me another one-year contract because I deserved more, and she wishes I could find a home somewhere else if not in Twinsburg. I cried. I think she teared up. And I left a school that has been my home for the past 5 years.


I had been thinking of this concept of connections to places lately. There is a song that Miranda Lambert sings called "The House that Built Me." This part is my favorite:


You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can

I got lost in this big old world and forgot who I am.



I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,

This brokenness inside me might start healing.

Out here it's like I'm someone else,

I thought that maybe I could find myself.

If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave.

Won't take nothing but a memory,

From the house that built me.




It is a beautiful song, and it got me thinking. There are certain places in time, things that happened, places I've lived that have truly made me who I am. I lived my entire life until I went to college in the same house that my parents still live in. We never moved, never thought about moving. My parents built that house, designed it, and it still feels like home. It will be so weird someday when they don't live there.


We are in the process of getting our house ready to sell. This house has been my home for 7 years. I met my husband living here. We had our first awkward kiss in this foyer. We found out we were pregnant in the downstairs bathroom, we cried in the living room that night. Our babies came home to this place, and this is the only home they have known. As much as we are ready to move on, I can't even picture us all somewhere else. I can't imagine moving, leaving this place where we began. It's just too strange to picture.


A couple weeks ago, we went to my 10 year college reunion. If anywhere is a place where I feel like I truly became who I am today, it is there. More specifically, I think back to my friends, my house, and that seems like the house that built me. I became the person I am today because of those friendships, because of that community I belonged to in college. It was so nice to be back, and so weird at the same time. We stayed in the dorm. Me, my husband and my two babies stayed in a dorm and walked to the bar. (Me and Andy, not the babies. They stayed in the dorm with a babysitter) It made me so grateful for the time I spent there, so blessed that I had the experiences I did. It also made me a little sad because I didn't keep in touch the way I should have. I miss having that large group of friends to hang out with. 16 people from my pledge class came, and it was almost like old times (except for the fact that we had a bunch of kids between us, and several people were pregnant).

It is late and I need to finish this up. Tomorrow is going to come early, and it's going to be a busy weekend. Here are my photo updates, I'll try to get another post in soon so it's not so backed up next time!

May 7 - We have been gradually adding perennials to our flowerbeds so we didn't need to worry about much planting this year. I love how the front of our house looks in the spring!
May 8 - Hi Grandma!
May 9 - Happy Mother's Day! Here I am with my cuties. I love these two babies more than anything in the world, and I can't imagine my life without them.
Four fabulous generations of women. Don't mind the squintiness it was really sunny!
A few of my favorite Moms.

May 10 - Ben is so snuggly with Lily, and she couldn't be a better baby dog. She lets them climb all over her, give her kisses, throw things at her, and covers them with kisses. May 11 - Oops, missed a day of my project. Grr.

May 12 - Busy, busy babies. They are always into something these days, and on the move. They are so much fun, and I love this age!
May 13 - Lila-pup in her favorite spot on the couch.
May 14 - The cats also get love from the Ben, but they are not quite as into it as the dog.
May 15 - My fabulous sisters. How things change and how things stay the same. What a fun weekend!
May 16 - We went to the Columbus Zoo and it was awesome! For some reason, this was my favorite picture of the day.
May 17 - Pulling down stacks of books is a favorite activity.
May 18 - Climbing up the stairs makes everything so much easier. When they try to come back down? Not as cool.
May 19 - Ben is playing with one of my childhood toys, this little turtle. Watching him drag it around and knowing that I used to do the same thing? Love it.
May 20 - We have been playing in the driveway a lot lately. They love pushing around the truck and the trike, but they haven't figured out how to make them move when they are on them. Notice the sad look on his face.

May 21 - A combo of jammie pants and the dress she wore that day - just like Mama's uniform!

May 22 - We went for our first ice cream cones - they loved them! Maggie even figured out how to finish off her cone.

May 23 - Ben and Maggie got a water/sand table for their birthday from Aunt Sarah and Uncle Brandon. We had dinner on it with the cover on and then played and splashed for a long time. Maggie, in particular, LOVED it! I imagine lots of fun with this this summer.

May 24 - We pimped out the wagon by buying an awning for it. Fair skinned babies do not need sunburn.

May 25 - A girl on my MoM's board lost her son JW to lung failure. He was a preemie, a fighter, and touched many lives. On the day of his memorial service, everyone from the board who could wore blue and went outside to blow bubbles to Heaven for JW. Andy took them out for me since I was at work, and while he got a few good pictures, I love this one. My heart goes out to his family, and wish that no one ever had to lose a child.

May 26 - My SIL came over with Ryan and we dug out the activity mat. He loved it, Ben and Maggie thought it was great fun. At some point I remember realizing that there are people in the world who have 3 babies that are this close together. I can't imagine.

May 27 - My last day of school. Possibly my last day at my school. The idea makes me so sad, so scared, and I'm not sure what happens next. The stool was a present from the class and I hope I have a classroom to put it in again! Hopefully my next post will have some good news in it. God knows we could use it!

Bobby and Gee

This is the post title I've had in my head for a week now. Who are Bobby and Gee you might ask? We have no idea who/what they are, but Maggie talks about them all the time.


The communication gap never seemed like an issue. I could usually guess what they needed, or it would be obvious. Now that they are starting to have thoughts/feelings/opinions? Much more of an issue to understand what they mean. I always thought the idea of not knowing how to communicate with your kids was weird, but not going to be an issue. Until Gee happened.

Most of the time, Maggie says what she wants. She asks for Kee. She calls for Mama when she is tired, or sick, or sees me coming home. She says Hi and Bye-Bye when people come and go and when I am on the phone. She says puppy when the dog is around. Baby when she is talking to herself. Maggie. Something that sounds like Lily. Kitty. But then a couple weeks ago, something like this started happening pretty regularly in her highchair.

Maggie says "gee". I say, oh do you want your Kee? No response. Milk? No response. Yogurt? You get the picture. Then I repeat you want gee? And she laughs this "ah ha ha ha ha" laugh like something is hysterical. Same thing with Bobby. It sounds something like Bobby, Hoppy or Boppy, but it doesn't mean anything I can think of. The only thing that is close is like she is talking about Ben. But Ben or Bug as we call him half the time sounds nothing like Boppy. Or Bobby. And while happy seems kinda likely, what are the chances? We don't go around saying it all the time or anything.

Speaking of Ben, he is also starting to say hi, bye-bye (although usually in a high-pitched voice or a chorus of bye-bye-bye-bye) and for sure knows his Mama and Dada's. But most of the time what he says over and over is Ba. Ba-ba-ba. I've started to burst into choruses of Barbara Ann that he thinks is hysterical and will mimic a little.

Other than the communication advances and confusions, the biggest news around here involves walking. Ben is really starting to get it more, and while he still toddles very slowly and cautiously most of the time, he is steadier and steadier. He goes halfway across the room, claps for himself and grins like a fool and then drops to his knees and takes off.

In other news, 14 days of school left, and two of them I will spend on an overnight field trip with the 5th grade. Oh boy, fun times. I cannot wait for summer, and I am so ready to spend some more time with my babies.

Project 365 time:

April 18 - This is the one I missed last time. I came downstairs this morning to find Andy and Ben asleep on the floor. Ben had been cranky and Andy took him downstairs to try to get him to sleep. He said he was cuddling with him and they both fell asleep, but I have no idea how Ben ended up facing the opposite way. Love the snack cup by his feet too, silly boys.

April 23 - I managed to get Maggies hair in a single ponytail. We refer to them as onions around here. She is also wearing Ben's black turtleneck from his Halloween costume. Doesn't she look very adorably artistic and angry?
April 24 - Andy with his nephew. We had gone to brew beer on this day and while Ben and Maggie stayed with my parents, Ryan came to his first brew session. He slept through most of it, but this picture of him with Andy I thought was adorable.
April 25 - We had gone to my parents to pick up the babies on the 24th, and I left my camera there. I told my Mom her job had to be to take a picture for my project. She took four. One of the backyard, one of the dog, one of a basket of laundry and this one of their dinner. This is one of my favorite meals every, pork and dumplings with sweet and sour cabbage, one of our family favorites. We weren't invited that night for dinner, but I had leftovers the next day.
April 26 - One of the last rides in the swing. She looked so big, and so sweet and so, just, peaceful this day to be swinging in her swing. It made me think of just how far we have come, just how big they are getting. This thing was such a Godsend when they were babies, Maggie slept through the night for the first time in that swing. I realize not many one year olds still fit under the weight guidelines of their swings, but my peanut does. She looks so grown up. That's my baby girl in there.
April 27 - Maggie talked me into these little bathtub stacking cups at BRU. She loves them. Filling them, emptying them, dumping them out. Ben likes to fill them with water and throw them out of the tub. Very helpful. We've been getting very wet lately in the bathroom.
April 28 - An old friend of mine came over with her baby for a playdate and dinner. He is 11 weeks old and he weighs more than Maggie! Such a cutie, and she must make magical milk.
April 29 - The dog and I fell asleep on the couch, and my Mom thought it was hysterical. But, what a cute photo of us, and so reminiscent of the old days :-)
April 30 - We love wagon rides! Andy's parents got Ben and Maggie this wagon for Christmas and they love it. We have started taking them for walks around the driveway and the neighborhood. The dog thinks it rocks too.
May 1 - Proof that the cats really do get along. Enjoying the open window - the days are getting so nice around here!
May 2 - Mommy is getting better at pigtails :-)
Something about this one was just adorable to me. Walking with Daddy with that little pink shoe untied.
May 3 - Our new dining room floors look awesome. DH did such a good job. We even have new potted plants. Slowly but surely this place is getting ready to sell! And of course, looking nicer and nicer. Why didn't we make these changes sooner?
May 4 - Another trip to the park! I think it's so crazy to see myself in photos these days. I really, genuinely, look happier than I did before. I guess I didn't realize how depressed I must have looked to other people until I started seeing myself in these recent photos. I look like a different person, and I am so glad I made the change. I want to be happy, I want to feel the kind of joy I used to. I think I'm getting there.
May 5 - Working on being more eco-friendly, small steps. I ordered these adorable sandwich bags from Etsy. They are so cute and make me feel good about packing my lunch! Then I look at the individual applesauces, the 100 calorie bags and realize I have a long way to go.
May 6 - Just babies here begging for ice cream. Yum! They were gathered around me and the dog looked so jealous. They love ice cream, and I can't wait to give them their own cones this summer. Have I mentioned I am excited about summer? It is coming so soon! The only hard part is that once again, we have reached the time of year where I don't know if I have a job next year. My prncipal doesn't seem to hopeful, and there are so many districts making cuts. As much as I want to stay home, I don't want it to be like this :-(