Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

It's back to work I go :-(

I'm pretty sure that's what Ben was thinking when we took this picture:

I'm not at all ready for school to start. I can't believe that my summer is over, my maternity leave is over, that on Monday morning I'll have to leave these precious babies behind to go take care of other people's older, whinier children. I never wanted to be a working mom. I remember very clearly the conversation with my high school guidance counselor about my career goals. I had gone in with a friend of mine for our career counseling session. She was a very gung-ho feminist, and wanted to know what we bright and promising young females wanted to do with our lives. Both of us told her that we wanted to stay home with our kids and bake chocolate chip cookies. She was appalled. We were serious. Ironically enough, I ran into her at lunch a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to go over to her and tell her I was right in high school about what I wanted. But it wasn't what I was going to get.

The reality is, we can't afford for me to stay home. I make good money doing what I do and I carry our health insurance. I know that these babies are going to grow up and need things that our money will buy them. Books. Braces. College. Big picture - yes, we need me to work so we can save for these things. Little picture, current picture, I am going to be heartbroken on Monday. In my head, I have always known that women either stay home or choose to work. Somehow I always pictured those work choosers to be career oriented girls who wanted to get ahead in their field, who would be antsy staying home, who wanted to go back to work. I never thought of how many mommies probably only went back because they had to. Because they crunched the numbers and it wouldn't work. Because they didn't have job security. Because they loved their babies enough that they had to go back for them, not in spite of them.

I work in a field where many of my fellow teachers take one or two approved years off and come back to the same school, to their same position when their leave is over. It is in our contract that we have a right to do that. These teachers can raise their babies, nurse them, go to library story time, have playdates, and who when they come back to school have had a lot of time with their kids. I always assumed that would be me. One whole year of baby, one whole year to be a stay at home mommy, and maybe then I would go back. The reality of it is, even if we decided the money wasn't important to us, I am still a long term sub in my building. Year number 5, thank you very much. I don't have a contract where I have the right to take my year. I wouldn't have a job waiting for me when I came back. So back to work I go, when my little ones are a mere 4 months old.

Do I know how lucky I am to have even had this long? Absolutely. The maternity leave provisions in our country are crap. I know that many people had to go back after 6 weeks, or 12, and I am grateful that my pregnancy timing allowed me these full four months. But other modern countries recognize the needs of babies, and of mothers, and extend your leave for a full year. Canada for instance gives you a full year and you get paid during that time, because you are the child care for your child. It is your right as a mother to choose to stay home with your child, to continue nursing them for the full year that is recommended, and to not have to come back when your little ones are still so dependent on their mommy.

There have been many times lately where they are crying for me. Just for me. They have done this to my mom, his mom, my SIL's, my grandmother, my husband. They cry and cry and cry, and all it takes it Mommy to hold them and hug them and they are fine. I get this look like, "oh hey, Mama, there you are. I was looking for you. Didn't you hear me calling you?" and I picture this happening when I am not home, where they are crying, just for me, not because they need to eat, or their diaper is wet, they just need the feel and smell of their Mama, and then I think about how this can be going on at home, but I won't be home for another 6 hours. I know they will learn to adjust. I know they will learn to be comforted by others, or by the binkies, or by themselves. But I don't want my four month olds to know that. I don't want them to have to do anything other than be held by Mama to make them feel better. Isn't it a little early to learn that you don't always need your mother? Or that your mother won't always be there when you need her? Or that sometimes you just need to cry yourself to sleep?

I think especially about Ben, and how he has finally, finally gotten the hang of nursing. We nurse all day, on demand, and I love it. Maggie is back to getting her milk in a bottle, thank you very much, but I worked long and hard to get Ben on the boob, and we are finally there. I'll be back to pumping at work, I'm not sure how that is going to go, I'll be nursing him maybe three times in the evening and that will be it. Maggie I'm afraid is never going to get it. She tried last night with no success and I just can't see how I will find time to work with her, or if I did, then each of the babies would get nursed just once a day? Ben is also just my Mama's boy. He more than Maggie will do the crying just for Mommy thing, and I love being the one he wants.

I feel horrible talking about this, knowing that people have it worse, and knowing that it isn't a choice my husband or I is making lightly. I hate that my major meltdowns keep happening in front of Andy, who I think is finally starting to understand how much it would mean to me to stay home, and who feels horrible that we are sending me off to work. I know it's not his fault, but the reality of it is that women who stay home rely on their husband's salary, and that wouldn't work for us. It's not enough. And he feels bad, and I feel bad for thinking it, or for wishing maybe he had been a brain surgeon instead.

We have such happy, wonderful babies. It's true. People ask how in the world we do it, and I can always say, they are easy babies, and we have a lot of help. I only hope that our Moms feel the same way when they are the ones in charge of our little ones for the day. We are so lucky to have Grandma's available to watch them. But even knowing that, even with everyone telling me it will be fine, I am dreading Monday morning with every fiber of my being, and I think this will be my Friday thought every week until June.

Now that the negative part of my post is over, on to the good stuff. Photos from the past few weeks, and for once they are even in order.

Andy's cousin got married at the end of July, and these are the two handsome men in my life looking very much like Daddy and his Mini-Me. While Andy hasn't rolled his sleeves up yet in this picture, that is his signature look, and Ben looked just like him. Maggie sporting the rare bow in her hair. We just don't have time for that kind of stuff usually. They were so good during the ceremony so we were very lucky. Maggie did hiccup louder than I have ever heard her through the vows. I'm pretty sure they will be able to hear her on the wedding video. Ben's change of clothes at the cold reception hall, and showing off his best GQ pose. Maggie and her Daddy in her adorable pink sweater (thanks Grandma M.!)At the end of the night, we put the babies in their pajamas, but I wanted to just dance a little with my daughter on the dance floor. Clearly, putting her in her party clothes made her a happy camper, she smiled and grinned and kicked her feet and looked at us like "See, all I want every night is a dance party!" We cracked up all kinds of family members. Looking adorable in our Disney outfits! And actually BOTH looking at the camera! Good job guys! You're making the dog proud of you!Andy and I celebrated our third anniversary! Happy Anniversary Baby! What a crazy year it has been. Never would I have imagined last year, what a perfect life we have now, and how our family of two would double to four. Oh, and see? The cat worked out just fine too :-)In nothing but her diaper and bib. This one loves being naked so much it scares us.Ben's "old man shorts" He loves standing, and he looks ready to walk any minute. Maggie looking cute at the family reunion.This is actually at the Twinsday Festival. It was fun, but it was chilly and raining. They looked darn cute though in their matching outfits and hats. Close ups with the portrait lens. Would you want to leave these faces? Hard to tell here, but Maggie'e eyes are chocolate brown like her Daddy, and Ben is getting Mommy's hazel eyes. We are four months old! We actually did this photo shoot twice, once on the actual birthday, but at like 10 at night because we had forgotten to do it earlier, and then again the next day when it was still light, and the babies were more cheerful.

Ben is not a nighttime baby. Maggie on the other hand. . . .Ben kept making these little motor boat noises that made for lots of funny faces in his pictures. What a ham. Escape from the crib! (yes, Daddy is holding her up!)Much better smiley boy!First month we noticed our friends!Smiling didn't happen so much when they were together.Again, ver interested in the stuffed friend.Maggie says thanks for looking!