In that one picture above are two very important people. Our fourth child, Nathaniel John who was born on February 13th, 2017, and my beloved Gram who passed away on February 21, 2017. 7 days and 12 hours later. I couldn't look at these few pictures for a long time. When we got the call on this day, February 18th, the news was that it wasn't looking good. That if we wanted to get up to say goodbye, if we wanted Gram to be able to meet the baby, this was the time to come. He was 5 days old. We marched right back into the hospital where I had delivered him, all covered up in his car seat and with me leaking milk. It was her last mostly coherent night. We talked about baseball, we talked about the baby, and she held him on her lap, smiled at him, touched him, and marveled over his tiny toes and fingers. Her fourth beloved great grand baby, named in part for her husband, my Grandpa John.
But I should fill in other gaps. How I last posted early in January 2016 and had high hopes of continuing this blog. How on January 29th, on a whim, thinking I was late and that was weird, I took a pregnancy test and saw a very faint, let me squint at that line. We freaked out, just a little. We told the kids because we were going to Disneyworld, and Mommy felt sick and couldn't ride the rollercoasters. How we bought the baby a little stuffed Roo and Ben excitedly told the lady that we were having another baby. How about a week after we got back at an appointment we found out we lost the baby. How the kids grieved, and cried, and broke my heart even more, because we had just started to get used to the idea of having four kids, and Ben thought we would have to return Roo.
How that spring got busy, and I slept with that Roo, and mourned the idea of the baby and my kids all getting a chance to be big siblings over again. How we said out loud again and again to each other that we could mourn that baby, but really, it was for the best. How we danced, and did scouts, and played baseball, and softball and danced some more.
How the week of recital in early June I spent each day prepared because my period should come and it didn't. How I told Andy I was 98% sure I was pregnant because my boobs hurt like crazy, and that was not normal. And how again, I ran out to Walmart to get a test, and this time two big bold pink lines told me I was right. How the second night of recital, in the dressing room, I was freaking out, and trying to hide it, and starting to feel queasy.
This time we were more cautious with the news. I told a few friends, possibly too many, and we went to the doctor. We waited to tell the kids. We passed the zone where we have lost babies, got up to about 13 weeks and told the kids the reason mommy hadn't felt good all summer. They celebrated, they worried, and not long after that, we found out it was a boy, and it just felt right. Still not real, but right.
How getting pregnant when your other kids are 5 and 7 is kind of crazy and surreal, and how you feel so.much.older with this baby. How I spent weeks feeling like I couldn't eat at all, and had to go to the hospital for fluids.
How at Christmastime, I worried more and more about my Grandmother. How she started seeming weaker and stopped going to church in January. How I sat down with my parents and said, you cannot leave Gram here with me, like this. That she needed to get into assisted living, or something if I was going to be responsible for her when they were in Florida. Thank goodness they were already here because of the baby coming. Thank goodness we got her to the hospital when we did, but for her, the hospital was the first step, but then she never got to go back home.
The last few weeks before baby were full of stress and worry. Hospital turned into rehab, I waddled in almost every day to see her, grumpily telling her I would probably be back the next day still pregnant, because I was never going to have him. We talked about his name, first name unknown for so long (well, I think I knew it), but middle name decided to be John. She asked about the dates, again and again of when he was due. The day finally came that I was induced. My mom, in the middle, Grandma not doing well in rehab, and me, in the hospital having the baby.
My actual birth story is strange to me still. How we went in for an induction but I was already having contractions. How I went from mild contractions, to having my water break to bouncing on a ball with my family there and then deciding I was done with pain and was ready for the epidural. How after the epidural I started having trouble seeing. When I told the nurse that, I think things started going faster. There was not feeling right, to a lot of puking, to a lot of people checking on me and then we were pushing. Out he came in less than 10 minutes, and at 2:36 pm, we had a 7lb 4oz baby boy. 19 inches. Sweet as can be. He made a sound when he came out that sounded more like a laugh than a cry. He "talked" and hummed for the first day or so. The kids got to come and meet him that night and they were in love. I am pretty sure Andy took some pictures, but I don't know where they are. It's blurry, the first two weeks because of worry about my Grandma, then the loss, then the funeral, and holding up my mother. It's blurry because adding a fourth baby means no change in the normal routine, school, dance class, scouts, homework, etc, but having a newborn baby that doesn't give a hoot about your normal routine.
We had our newborn photos on the Monday after he was born. My friend Wendy did an amazing job. Thank God we had her booked because I never would have gotten pictures. We were a bit of a mess, we were worried about Gram and clothes were last minute, but we got some fabulous pictures.
That was the day they were moving Gram to hospice. That afternoon I took the baby with me and got to see our favorite minister and his wife, my parents and my honorary aunt who loved my Grandma so much. Everyone left and Nate and I had some peace with her. I talked to her out loud (she was in a coma at this point), I watched TV and quietly nursed him and held him while he slept.
When it was time to leave, I think it was close to 11. I was exhausted. I didn't want to leave her alone, but I found an old Indians game on TV and left it on. I talked to her and told her it was okay to go, that we understood. How glad I was to have had her meet the baby, that I loved her so much, and was so sorry she couldn't have had more time with him, that he won't remember her. But I always will, and will always know that they had that time together in the end.
We got the call at 2 am that she was gone. The nurse was very kind. One week. One week and 12 hours after he was born. In my heart, I absolutely know that she was waiting to meet him. That she watches over him especially, and that he will always have part of her in him.
So that's my one week in February. I have wanted to do this post for months. Nate is 7.5 months old and the happiest, sweetest baby. He's a total mama's boy and is just a delight to everyone he meets. He rarely cries, mostly when he is hungry or tired, or both. The big three, as my big kids are going by in my head these days, love him so much. They help me with him, watch him, rock him, give him bottles, change him, snuggle and read to him. It is amazing to watch. Maggie is such a little mommy, she seems to know exactly what he needs, and he really loves her so much. It's the sweetest thing. Ben and Maggie are in third grade and love to read. Mia just started Kindergarten this year. We have a new puppy. Life is crazy, and busy, and I am always behind on dishes and laundry. As we've gone through milestones with Nate, and I have tried to remember when the big kids did things, I have gone back to this blog again and again. I don't know how much I can update, but I want to start using this again as my memory keeper. So that Nate isn't going to have a total blank from mommy's memory when he asks me things like what his first word was or when he started to walk.
I have more gaps to fill, and I will try, I think, or we will just jump right in with this crazy life right now. My family of 6 that I never in my wildest dreams imagined having, but can't imagine any other way. Here we are. No longer blogging because of peer pressure, but to keep my memories in one place of this amazing little family of mine.
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