Who Me?

My friend Andrea, over at Are You Listening? started a blog hop this week that I wanted to join.  First of all, because I kinda like the group blogging thing, and second of all because I wanted a topic that would challenge me.  Never fear, I have 38 pictures waiting in a folder on my desktop that will go at the bottom of this post, but bear with me for a moment as I try to figure out a good answer to the question Andrea has posed.  It seems like a good exercise, and it seems like something my brand new friendly psychologist would be proud of me for doing.  As we know, I am not always my best cheerleader.  I have days I really don't like myself, I have had months of feeling worthless, and due to life circumstances for the past couple of years, I have felt less and less like a productive person in our family.  But, in honor of the fact that tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I wanted to participate to support her, I'm going to give this topic a go. 

Tell me what makes YOU super. Super whatever you want to be. Mom/Wife/Women/Sibling/Citizen/etcetcetc.

I thought and thought and thought about this since reading her post, and decided that there is one overlying thing that is about the only thing that matters right now. 

In the past few years, I didn't fall apart and I didn't give up. 

I didn't fall apart when we struggled to have kids.  I had bad moments, I broke down and cried, but I didn't give up, and I didn't stay down. 

I didn't fall apart when I found out we were having twins, and had no idea how we were going to handle it.  I faced the challenge, I carried those babies as long as I could, and I didn't fall apart.  Much. 

I didn't fall apart when breastfeeding didn't go the way I was hoping.  I tried, and I pumped, and I went to the LC, and I used a supplemental nursing system, and I tried and I pumped some more.  I nursed my twins for just over a year because I was too damn stubborn to give up. 

I maybe fell apart a little when the depression took hold.  And my mother was gone.  And I was alone with two infants every night.  But, I asked for help, I accepted help, I started on the drugs, and life slowly got better. 

Until it got worse.  I lost my job, I got accidentally pregnant, I lost the baby, I became a dependent of my husband, I found myself being financially unimportant, and then I got pregnant again.  And while I have had my moments this year, I didn't give up, and I didn't fall apart. 

I don't know if any of that sounds all that impressive, but to me, it seems like a bit of a big deal.  People will say things to mothers of twins when they are out like "I don't know how you do it."  The answer, plain and simple, is you do it because you have to.  You learn to juggle two babies, to get two kids out of car seats and into a store that doesn't have a double cart, and how to snuggle two babies in a rocking chair.  You learn what things to try to let go of, and what things are important.  I feel like my true superpower right now is just, well, living.  My kids are happy, almost all of the time.  They are growing, and learning and thriving, and they are my biggest accomplishment.  Giving up completely was never an option, how do you do that anyway?  Are there days that I would like to send my children away somewhere for days at a time?  Yes.  Are there days that I curse this pregnant belly making me even more exhausted than I was?  Yes.  Are there days that I look around and feel blessed because I was chosen for this life?  That I was made to be a Mom, that I was made to in fact be a MoM, and that a whole lifetime of circumstances has left me right here, who I am and what I am?  Yes.

So I guess, in my world, that is what it takes to be Super.  I don't have the world's cleanest house.  I don't breeze through my day singing songs and dusting.  I don't always have meals on the table when I should.  My socks very rarely match my outfit.  I have been known to swear like a sailor, and to ignore talking babies so I can get an extra half an hour of sleep.  But, I am the Mommy of 2, soon to be 3 little somebodies who think I am one of the best people they know.  And most days, that is all I need to remind me that at least to them, I am super.

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I know I mentioned in my last post that we had a busy month of April.  Some of these photos spill over into May, but here are just a few highlights from our life lately.

First, I might add more newborn photos later, but I had plenty for this post already.  Let's just say that this one?  Pretty typical of how my two shoots went.  The nephew is not a fan of the camera.  He will learn, oh yes, he will learn.

The second one, one of my favorites, one of the only times we got him sleeping, and nothing I had to, um, blur out.  Look, I even photoshopped it a little! 

This post is going to be a bit Maggie heavy.  Not to show any favoritism to my older, female child, but, well, she is more photogenic lately.  As in, I have heard several times "Mommy, take Maggie picture!", and she doesn't run away when I have the camera out.  We let her "hold" her baby cousin, and Andy and I pretty much melted at how sweet she was with the baby.  Please, God, let her feel the same way about her baby sister! 

One thing she likes to point out now on babies is how they all have tiny toes.  Here she is checking out Parker's tiny toes in tiny socks. 

Once again, see who is more camera happy?  The newest cousin gang member being introduced to the group photo. 

I realize this one is very similar, but the part that made me melt about this one?  Look at how Maggie leaned over closer to Ben.  Now picture them in many photos for years to come leaning closer to each other for Mommy.  Best friends, hopefully forever. 

Good Friday.  Our timeline is way off with the way Easter shifts around, but since they were born on Good Friday, it almost seems like a different way to track their birthday.  I included the first one because, well, it is a picture of me and that never happens.  Someone remembered that I like to be included sometimes in our family photos.  Also, hello, looking more and more pregnant here!  

Everybody remember the green shirt on Maggie?  It belonged to my Grandpa, and I wore it every year for Easter Egg dying.  I made my Grandma bring it to the hospital the day Ben and Maggie were born, and last year we took turns wearing it to do the eggs.  This year, we had my Dad bring a shirt for Ben, and maybe next year we will beg one off of other Grandpa so that everyone has a special traditional shirt. 

Please ignore the bad lighting, I don't know what I had my settings on, but I didn't realize until later.  Oh well, enjoy the cute babies dying eggs. 

This one just cracked me up.  Do you think maybe she is picking up some of my facial expressions?  This one says something like, do we really have to look up for the photo?  Mommy really likes the candids. 

I really was a picture hog I guess this month.  Here I am again!  Just playing with Ben and the crazy bunny that my parents got us at some point.  It sings.  Loudly.  And hops.  Ben thought it was great.  Maggie was worried it was going to "get her" (lately everything is something that could get her - I'm not sure why).  As a disclaimer, I did not dress my son for this picture. 

Believe it or not, this was the best photo of the two of them in their Easter outfits.  I don't know why I bother.  I guess what I keep telling people is that I think they are funny.  And accurate.  We don't have a lot of picture perfect moments where everyone is nicely posed and smiling, but damn it, we have moments. 

Twirling in her girly dress.  She loved it.

 This was the best photo I could get of Ben's outfit.  He wouldn't hold still.  At all.  Sigh. 

Yet another classic family photo. 

And with the new guy added in.  Unfortunately my other nephew Ryan was sick so they had to miss Easter brunch and the fun photo shoot. 

Above?  Adorable angel girl looking at some of her loot.  Below?  The little miss in her beautiful girly dress laying on the floor having a temper tantrum.  That was more my Maggie that day.  I guess she can't be perfect all the time.   

Again, yes, this post is Maggie-centric.  In this photo he is actually napping very early on a Friday morning.  See that bucket in the background with the cloth diapers?  Yeah, I don't want to talk about the night before, let's just say I'm really glad we only had to use that bucket a couple of times. 

So when Maggie got up and Ben went back to sleep, we sat down to watch the royal wedding.  I decided it was only appropriate for her to wear her tiara and carry her princess wand.  Even though I really don't want her being obsessed with pretties and princesses, well, it was THE wedding after all.  Maybe I should try to show her those photos of Kate grocery shopping.   

(Andy made me take out a picture I had here of Maggie wearing that tiara but sitting on the potty.  She was wearing her big girl underpants for the first time, and it showed good progress toward potty training.  And she was screaming.  Apparently he thinks it might be embarrassing for her in the future.  So instead, enjoy these photos from the park.)

Today they did a thing at our local library where a bunch of trucks were in the parking lot for the kids to go around and see, climb in and honk the horns.  There was a firetruck, a police truck, tow truck, cement mixer, etc.  It was lots of fun, and the weather was perfect for it. 

I told them that this better be the first and last time I see them in a Paddy Wagon. 

And here it is.  The shot you've been waiting for.  Or I have.  It is both of my kids.  Nothing is cropped funny, there are no random feet in the background.  They are both looking at the camera.  Kind of smiling.  It is the newest wallpaper on my computer and likely will be my new signature pic on various message boards.  There they are.  My babies.  My miracles.  My subjects of the photo kind.  My life, my loves, and the only reason I can ever call myself super.   

Happy Mother's Day