Birthday Eve!

So. . .wow!

We have had weekly appointments on Thursday for quite a long time. The routine is that we go to the hospital for monitoring and then go to the doctor for weekly appointments. All day yesterday I had been feeling kind of off, and this morning I had been having contractions. Not a lot, but enough that combined with the funny feeling and tonight's full moon, I had a feeling something was up, just thinking I might be close to delivering.

But I wasn't expecting it to happen quite like this! We went to our NST and they had a hard time finding babies, and getting them to pass. Ben didn't pass today, but since we were going to the doctor anyway, they just sent us to him. They did a BPP (Biophysical Profile) and while he passed, things seem to be heading downhill in my uterus. Basically he said that the placentas are starting to show signs of deterioration and the fluids are low. He said that at this stage, he thinks it's better to just get them out.

He said that we can anticipate some short term breathing issues, but all in all, he thinks they will be better off if we deliver now. So he asked us if we were busy tomorrow, and my c-section is scheduled for noon! We're a little shocked for it to be going down this way, we have time to completely pack and finish getting some order around the house.

And tomorrow will be my day I will always remember as the day my babies were born.

In my head, I can put myself in the picture painted nicely in my pregnancy books of what to expect with a c-section. I see us heading to the hospital with our properly prepared bags, checking in at labor and delivery, being shown to a room, changing into a gown, being hooked up to the IV, getting the epidural, getting prepped, getting wheeled in. I know the procedure I expect them to follow, what to expect with a c-section, what to expect in recovery, and what I should expect from the first tests for the babies and everything else.

But there are moments in your life you cannot be prepared for.

I am trying to picture seeing my daughter for the first time, seeing Andy see her for the first time, as she will be the first one out. Seeing my husband become a father. What his face will look like, what kind of awe and wonder I will see in his eyes. Will he cry, will I? I try to imagine hearing her first cry, seeing them hand her off to a nurse, hand her to Andy, and what she will look like. Will she look like me, like him, like a smushed up little gnome who is ticked off that she is on the outside? And then while we are still in awe, hearing my son crying, surely a different cry from hers, being bigger, being just a little louder than her, surely. Having him in my arms, having both of them, and knowing that from that moment on, I am their Mom, I am their world, I am the person they will look up to, and look for in crowds, and kiss, and then curse and lie to when they get older. Knowing that Andy and I (and a whole team of doctors) created these two little beings.

I'm also trying to be prepared for a non-perfect delivery. Being early, needing oxygen, or needing to be whisked off to the NICU. I've been prepared for that possibility and I know that it can happen that way too. And that either way, I have to expect everything to be fine.

I think of all the people who will be waiting patiently to meet them. The grandparents, the aunts and uncles, everyone who will be part of their lives. Seeing them holding them. Seeing the tears in their eyes, the joy on their faces. Watching our parents become grandparents, holding our tiny little bundles.

Then we fast forward, and I'm trying to picture breastfeeding. Actually nursing my babies, actually just holding them, feeling their weight in my arms, their squirminess, their neediness, their sleepy faces. Staying in the hospital with my new family.

And seeing my husband officially become a Dad, settle into the role of protector and champion. They will always love him, this I know. He will always be patient, he will always be the fun one, and he has such a way with babies.

And I try to picture our life, from here on out. Because this is the last night we are just us. The last night we can lounge around just hanging out with nothing else to do, or stay up late just watching TV. The last night we will have done nothing but worry about ourselves and our comfort and our needs. Tomorrow we are Mommy and Daddy. We will be a party of four, the frazzled looking parents of twins. We are a team, we will need to remember that and not let them divide us, or beat us.

For a long time, I've had a picture in my head of us with a baby. Now, my picture involves two babies, but still, it's about as far as I get. What will it be like when they learn to walk, or go to preschool or skin their knee for the first time? What will it be like when she wants to get her ears pierced and he has his first t-ball game? What will they be like, what will they like to do? Can we do this? Will we mess them up?

I totally had this meltdown awhile ago, but this is what I want. I want us to raise nice kids. I want them to be kind. I don't care if they are smart, or athletic, or artistic. I want them to be the kids who say please and thank you, to be kind to old people. To be the kids who will stand up for someone who's being bullied. To have empathy and sweetness, and to understand people. Starting tomorrow, it is up to us.

Happy Birthday Eve, my babies. We will do our best to get all of this right. We love you so much already, and have been waiting for a long time to meet you. I am scared to death, and worried, but you will learn this about your mother. I am a worrier. It is what I do. It is what I'm good at. I come from a long line of worriers, and we all came out okay. But the thing is, I worry because I care so much. I worry because I want more than anything, to do this right. I have wanted to be a mother forever. And starting tomorrow, for better or for worse, I will be yours.

Our last belly shots:



35 Weeks36 Weeks and 4 days- April 9, 2009.