A post for my daughter, take 2

I've discovered a couple of nice perks to blogging out my grievances every once in awhile.  I know I have readers from everywhere who read my blog, either intentionally or accidentally through the almighty google, but sometimes when I blog, I forget, or have to try to forget, that a few of my most loyal readers are family.  In particular, my mother.  And so when I write things out here, along with casually mentioning them in conversations, it does occasionally lead to a positive change in my life. 

Currently the perk I am thinking of is photos.  Now, it may be because with the birth of this child I am spending less time away from everyone because I am pumping, and more time socializing, and feeding a baby under a blanket in the living room, or because I started loudly complaining about it, but all of a sudden, I am starting to see myself more in the photos that I upload.  Amelia will know that she had a Mommy in the early days!  I have so few pictures of me with Ben and Maggie when they were very little, and when I do get my photo taken, well, it isn't always pretty.  When I take candids I try to make sure my photos are well timed, and positioned for good light, good angles, sweet expressions, etc, but that isn't always what other people are thinking.  Oh well, at least people (like my mother) are remembering to grab the camera and make me part of the memories. 

So, for example, on Father's Day, I didn't actually get a cute picture of Andy with just Mia (Father's Day was actually spent by me freaking out and crying quite a bit because I couldn't get the baby to wake up long enough to eat and I was worried we had broken her), but someone got this one of me.  

Now, technical wise, it is not a perfect picture.  There is crap on the couch in the background, half of my Grandmother on the edge, and I'm pretty sure we didn't have my Speedlight on the camera.  But, there is one thing I'm noticing in this picture, something I didn't see in the mirror last time, or in most of the photos I can find of me in April of 2009, that I really have had this realization about this time. 

I look happy in that picture.  A little tired maybe, but relaxed, cuddling my new daughter in my arms, and smiling.  It really reinforces, to me, the theory I had started to develop not long after she was born.  And what was the big, surprising, world changing revelation I had after the birth of this baby? 

I didn't just gradually develop depression while my kids were getting close to a year, I was heading down the path to PPD before I left the hospital. 

I felt stress, I felt tired, I felt like I wasn't really their Mommy, I felt all kinds of things that I shouldn't have felt as a new Mom.  I didn't know it then.  I thought it was normal, I figured it was how everyone felt, was normal for the circumstances.

And then I had Mia. 

Now, I know that the circumstances were very different this time around and really, being honest here, I know that being on anti-depressants can't hurt.  But I was thinking about things lately, and thinking about how we weren't really planning to have another baby this soon, and how she is a surprise and all.  Someday, I am sure this will be common knowledge to her, and we'll be able to reassure her that while yes, she was a surprise, she was very much loved and wanted.  But right now, while I'm still thinking it, and while it's still fresh, I want to write this part down.  Because what I'm feeling right now is this:  She was sent to show me that I can be a good Mommy, right from the start. 

Amelia Elizabeth, when you were born, I felt a little like a super hero, and a little like I had been dreaming.  It was surreal to push you out in 20 minutes, surreal to have you in a room where your two Namas were, where Aunt Patti could take pictures, where your Daddy was still in his street clothes, and no one even had to wash their hands.  I saw you starting to come out but I missed the part where Grandma said you just couldn't wait and came out with one big whoosh because the doctor moved in front of the mirror. 

You made me worry, right away, when you were blue, and the nurse had to keep working on you.  But that moment where they brought you back to me, and the nurse handed you over, I know what I said exactly was "She's okay?  I can have her?" and I cried joyous and relieved tears that I don't know if anyone else in the room saw but that nurse and you.  I snuggled you for a minute, and then we set up to feed you.  This was the moment I was anticipating, fearing and worrying about.  It seems a little silly, maybe, but in me, this want to breastfeed you, this need I have to get it right this time, made it a big moment.  And you, my little girl, you did it like you knew exactly what you were doing.  We were off to the start I had been denied before.  Do I think this was a defining moment in the dyamic that will become our forever relationship?  No.  But did it make me feel more confidence as a mother, and more at peace with your birth?  Yes.   

In the hospital, I was tired, but I felt an almost high of love and nurturing.  I wanted to take care of you, hold you, snuggle you.  I didn't feel like I was missing time with you if someone else snuggled you for a little bit, and I know that you could tell it was me when I was holding you.  There was no frustration in the nursing, it didn't hurt at all, and when you slept a good chunk of the second afternoon on my chest, I could feel all those happy baby/mommy hormones. 

You can see it on our faces in the picture of us leaving the hospital.  Proud as, well, new parents.  I don't know if this is normal with your third baby, but I just felt so in awe of you.  Those mommy feelings kicked in right away, you were my baby, you needed me, and I loved you.  What seemed so strange with your siblings felt so right with you, so much faster, and so much more natural.  I've never felt like a fake, like I am just the milk machine (even though you are eating every hour or so), or like you like everyone just the same.  I am your Mommy, you are mine, and I hope this is how it feels for any new Mom who isn't suffering from post partum depression. 

So see, Amelia?  You aren't just the baby of the family, you aren't just a happy surprise, you made Mommy realize just how right it can be to have a baby.  You brought me the peace, the joy and the light of being a new mommy all over again.  These feelings extend to Ben and Maggie, despite the fact that they are driving me crazy, and I even feel a brand new surge of love for them.  They talk about moms who worry about having enough love to go around as they add new children to the family.  With you coming as my third child,  I feel not only like I got a full supply of love for you, it's like I got an extra bonus scoop for them. 

You are snuggly and sweet.  You like cuddling up on either one of us to sleep and while you technically sleep in the pack and play in our room, really most nights you prefer us.  And we let you.  You are a spoiled little thing in that way, and unlike the first time around, we kind of know that sleeping at first is a "whatever works" kind of thing.  Besides, you reap the benefits of having a King sized bed to snuggle in. 

You are kind of an observer right now of the lives of your crazy siblings.  Obviously you end up doing things as a baby that other babies who are the first born don't do because their Mommies are new and try to follow all of the rules.  You are our third child, so you do what you need to do.  This may include napping outside on Daddy's lap while there are a couple of two year olds splashing around in the water table and screaming. 

Now, unlike when your brother and sister were born, the family has expanded a little.  Babies are no longer new or a novelty in our family, but you are the fifth grandchild in this family, and now everyone is an experienced baby handler.  You will grow up with these four little people, and probably a couple more to come, and I hope that you know how lucky you are.  You will always have these friends your age, and I hope that you will always be close. 

You have a big sister who adores you.  She asks me about you all the time, where you are if she can't see you, tells me when you are crying, tries to give you your pacifier, will fetch your blankies, or a diaper, or sit and sing to you when you are sad.  I hope you are always friends.  I hope you always know what a gift it is in life to have a sister, and that Maggie's love for you continues to grow, as you will grow to love her.  There is so much she can teach you, so much that you will hopefully have in common, and I foresee lots of trouble in our future if you both use those big brown eyes as effectively as she always does.  You will get her hand-me-downs, at least for now, and I am sure this is just one of many secrets being told that you will share.  

I should say though that expectations are high for little girls in this family and that you have some pretty big little shoes to grow into. 

Now your brother, he is working on loving you.  I think for now, you are just not that exciting.  He is a bit jealous of all the time you spend with me, and I'm getting a lot of "No, my Mommy.  I need my Mommy, Mia need Daddy" from him.  He is learning to share, he is learning more patience, and if he loves you anything like he loves Maggie, you will both be lucky little girls.  As the only boy, I hope you two go easy on him, and at least show him how to take off the nail polish I picture you putting on his toes, and share the purple bowls sometimes too.  It's hard to be the odd man out, and while I hope growing up with two sisters will make him more sensitive, I hope you don't give him too hard of a time.  Growing up, I always thought is would be neat to have a big brother to look after me, and I think you will appreciate him when you get older. 

You have big brown (of course) eyes that are very curious about the world around you.  You remind me of Maggie in that way, taking everything in, staring wisely at us, in that baby with an old soul kind of way.  You look so much like a combination of them.  Maggie's eyes, Ben's nose.  Maggie's upper lip, Ben's lower.  Your forehead is his, your chin is hers.  Probably something in there is just yours, but that doesn't count on the guessing game that everyone likes to play.  So far, you look more like Mommy than Daddy, according to everyone we see, and I can't help but like that.  I am still holding out hope for those eyes, but they are getting darker and darker.  

When you were two weeks old, we went to the zoo.  Here is one of those things that you don't do with first babies.  But we plopped you in my Moby wrap, Mommy carried you close to my chest, we stopped so you could nurse three times, and while you didn't see much outside of the carrier, it was our first outing as a family of five. 

The elephant habitat just reopened this year.  This is Willy.  Maybe in a couple of years he'll be more exciting to you. 

I have to throw this one in of Maggie, such a little explorer with her floppy hat and sensible shoes, clutching her monkey in the butterfly house. 

You were exhausted by the end of the trip.  So was Mommy.  

In other news around our house right now, Maggie and Ben are starting to kind of potty train.  Ben had started being more interested when he found out that he had some fancy sports underpants in the drawer.  Of course this is the day before Daddy went back to work, and of course that day we had at least three pee accidents in the living room, but there was lots of jumping and giggling and frolicking in our underpants.  I do think that Ben looks a little like he's channeling an underwear model in this one 

At three weeks, we took you to the pool with your siblings and your cousins.  We went to Uncle B's parents house, and while you didn't particularly love the water, you looked so darn cute in your bathing suit and floppy hat.  Your brother and sister LOVE the water right now, and would be in it as much as they could if possible.   

You only had a little chlorine on you, but if I'm remember right, the diaper had soaked up a lot of pool water so we gave you a quick dip in the sink.  You LOVED it, and were very well behaved, and also so very cute in the bathroom sink.  See, creative parenting. 

Ben and Maggie got tricycles from their grandparents that were technically birthday presents, but they wouldn't have been appreciated right away.  I can see in a couple of years that you will be the one riding along on the back of somebody's bike. 

This is your Baba.  She rocks.  I have other pictures of you with her, but none as pretty as this with the flowers and such in the background.  

Mommy found this outfit one day thinking it would be a great going home outfit.  Except it looked way too big, so we put it away.  It says Baby Sister, which is what we called you forever since you didn't have a name for a long time.  I was right, you look adorable in it! 

We were at the doctor for your one month appointment today and he mentioned how babies don't truly socially smile until they are 6-8 weeks old.  What does he know? 

Studying Nama like you are not quite sure what to make of her and of that glowing thing in the sky. 

Maggie, taking time to stop and smell the flowers. 

Your Mommy and Daddy are more fun than they look.  I think that having toddlers have made us a little bit more crazy.  Daddy also blames the salt in his pepper on Mommy, but I think having the three of you is what made it happen.  

For the record, Andy got on the tricycle on his own.  I got on Maggie's because she very nicely asked me if I would like to ride her "riding cycle" since Daddy was riding Ben's. 

Daddy really likes the tummy time.  He has been the one doing it with you, he gets down on the floor and shows you the ropes.  Now, head control - it would be great to get a little bit more of that since I have a hard time keeping control of it for you when I am chasing your siblings around. 

You are not really a monster.  A milk monster, maybe, but nothing more than that. 

Just another night at home.  I was remembering recently that while Maggie and Ben were very young, Andy and I got hooked on Bones.  We were catching the current season while recording the reruns to try to catch up.  We just watched regular TV and listened to whatever we wanted to in the car on the radio.  Now?  You are going to have episodes of Little Bear stuck in your head, or start off singing "Put Down the Ducky."

We spent the past two days at Aunt Patti's house and lounged in the pool.  I love how much they love water this year!

And of course popsicles are a toddler favorite. You'll get that when you are older. 

You spent a lot of time sleeping in your carseat on the deck this day.  I'm sorry to say that you probably inherited my fair skin.  Maggie is our only dark skinned baby, you have Ben's peaches and cream complexion.  You will burn.  You should always wear sunscreen.  These are things we will go over as you get older. 

I'm not sure what I should have thought when I asked Maggie if she wanted her picture taken and she started crawling towards me like some kind of crazed model. 

So there we have it, a post for my daughter, take 2.  All of my motherly worries are the same for you that they were for her.  I want you to be kind, I want you to love to learn.  I don't want you to become a little girl who puts down other girls.  I want you to always remember that you are loved, and you were loved from the very beginning.  Not only did you brighten our world, you helped me to see so many things more clearly, and have made me appreciate what having a child can mean. 

You are not just a daughter, you are a sister.  These two little people of mine, the ones who are all about "do myself" and who are afraid of monsters and can sing their ABCB's, they will always be a part of your life.  They will love you, and you will love them.  You outnumber your parents, you multiplied our love, and we are so glad that you are ours. 

Child Rearing Hips

I have been trying since my last entry to sit down to type out a bunch of things.  How Maggie went up to Mia on our second morning home and told her all about stepping in coffee grounds in our kitchen and how Mommy had to wash off her foot - all while Mia was sound asleep in the swing.  How Ben spent the first few days refusing to touch the baby or kiss her, or anything, until the one day I was on the couch with her and he brought her his favorite blanket AND his lovies on the couch.  How Mia is the sweetest, easiest baby, but she nurses non stop for periods during the day, and it is a little bit hard to do anything else.  How I left the hospital this time feeling like I was bursting with love and joy, and recognizing that THAT was the feeling one was supposed to have after having a baby.  How Mia latched on and nursed in the same room that she was born in, like a born natural, and how the whole first night in the hospital no one really checked on us, and we changed her, I nursed her, and we held her all night long.  How they had taken her to the nursery for something, and I had to ask to have her back, and the nurse was a little surprised, but there was no way I was missing that first opportunity I had ever had to room in with my baby, the one I had carried for so long. 

Mia will be 3 weeks old tomorrow, and as you can imagine, life with 2 year old twins and a newborn baby is kind of exhausting.  One can't sleep while the baby sleeps when there are two other little people who need you to be on top of things for them.  Thank goodness Andy has been home, and we have had family help, but it is going to be crazy when he goes back tomorrow!  Instead of trying to catch up on everything all at once, I wanted to just try to start at the beginning.  This isn't a true birth story with all the details and gore and glory, but this is what I want to remember about the birth of Miss Amelia Elizabeth, so let me go back.  I want to point out here that this turned into a REALLY long blog post that took me almost 10 hours to complete today.  I'm not kidding, I just checked the timestamp.     

On June 12, I had contractions that I timed for like 7 hours that died off over night.  I was sure when I had my appointment on Tuesday (the 14th) that I would have some kind of progress towards labor.  They checked me again at the doctor and nothing.  Just a fingertip dilated again, and way up and back.  At that point, he was willing to schedule my c-section on Thursday since I would be 39 weeks, but we wouldn't be able to do an induction without progress on my own.  I was bummed.  My Mom was with me, and I told him I just wasn't sure if I was ready yet to schedule it.  He agreed that as long as I was comfortable, since everything else looked good that he would give me another week.  The next Tuesday if I was still pregnant, I was to bring my bag to the appointment because if I still wasn't progressing, he had a spot on his surgery schedule for that afternoon.  Nothing like a little pressure.

So we went home and tried a few old wives tales.  Wednesday, I had a pedicure with my SIL and we went to Chipotle for dinner.  Wednesday night I started having contractions that kept me up, were as close as 3-5 minutes apart, and lasting for over a minute at a time.  I told Andy that I would be shocked if it wasn't the start of something.  We finished packing our bags, called the doctor in the morning, got grandma and grandpa to come over, and got to L&D at about 6:30.  As we were finishing getting ready, the contractions stalled out.  When we arrived at the hospital, I was getting these very skeptical looks from the hospital staff and starting to get vibes that they would be sending us home for sure.  Sure enough, the resident checked me. . .1 cm.  Contractions had died off to almost nothing, and I was preparing for the word to go home and try again.  But, they called my doctor and he decided that since I was there, and since I had been contracting like that over night that they would go ahead and admit me, augment my labor, and see if they could get me going again.  We were transferred to a birthing room and I was given the plan.  I talked to the doctor on the phone and he said that this wouldn't be a 6 day induction, if by the end of the day I wasn't making progress, I would be having the baby anyway that night.  I was prepared, and grateful that he was giving us our chance. 

Turns out that "augmenting my labor" meant holy hella pain.  They inserted a Foley Bag and started me on Pitocin.  The Foley bag was uncomfortable to the 9th degree of Hell, and the contractions coming a minute apart on top of it had me crying and puking almost immediately.  A Foley Bag, in case you are unfamiliar like I was, is a balloon at the end of a cathater that they insert in your cervix to fit between the amniotic sac and the cervix to help put pressure on the cervix to dilate it without drugs.  Just as painful as it sounds, if you were wondering.  Between that and the contractions coming on top of each other I went from no pain to ready to beg for my c-section.  Which I am pretty sure I did.  In between the swearing and puking.

Luckily the nurse decided I was ready for my epidural and sent for the anethesiologist.  It was absolutely crazy how fast the pain went away and how I could watch a contraction on the monitor, feel it with my hand on my belly but not have any feeling of it anywhere else in my body.  Blessed relief.  This was right around the time my SIL Patti arrived, who was kind of like my own personal nurse, doula and photographer rolled into one.  There are no pictures from before she got there (they wouldn't have been pretty) and I will spare you the gory birth photos, but I was so grateful for her support! 

Around the time they gave me my epidural, my water broke on its own and I was up to about 5 cm and the foley bag fell out like it is supposed to not long after.  I was monitored for awhile, we went through a shift change where they messed with my pitocin and my contractions stalled out again.  My next nurse, whose name I can't remember, was determined to get my VBAC to happen.  She continously worked with my Pitocin drip to try to get my contractions productive again, and I credit her with my success!  She flat out told me that she refused to send me home to my twins after a c-section because she couldn't get the pitocin tweaked right.  I don't know the exact timeline, but I was checked and I had a secondary bag of water that yet another resident checked and needed to break, a different resident checked me at about 6:30 and that according to the doctor, I had another hour and a half to make progress or we were talking c-section since I was still stuck at 5. 
   
At right around 8:00, the resident came back in with the doctor.  Shifts had changed again, and I had a new nurse who said that it was looking like my contractions had picked back up.  When my doctor came in my heart sank.  The nurse had been hoping if I was at least a 6 that we could talk him into waiting, but since he was in his scrubs standing there, I was sure I was heading to surgery.  The resident checked me again, and kind of shook her head, and I took a deep breath and said that probably isn't good, right?  She said I was still only about a 5 or 6.  I looked at my doctor and said something along the lines of I'm sure since you are standing here I'm out of time.  He said that he wanted to check me himself and when he did, you should have seen the face of the resident.  He said I was more of a 9 or 9 1/2, and at Station +2.  I asked him what that meant (totally forgot all of my childbirth classes) and he said that Station +3 meant the baby was out.  So she was right there and I was ready to deliver!  The nurse went out to get the room prepped, they sat me up and I literally felt her slide down more, a resident, a student, some nurses and the NICU people came in.  Apparently when they broke my second bag they found meconium, and so they needed to be ready in case she had aspirated any.  I looked around at the roomful of people, including my doctor and thought about how I remembered from my SIL's labor that she had pushed with the nurse for a long time before it looked that busy.  My doctor was there for my first push and that was my first clue that this might go fast.  I started pushing around 8:40, and she was born at 9:02.  20 minutes, and according to many there, I was a rockstar pusher.  Who knew I had those kinds of skills just hiding in me? 

She came out crying, which was what they told me they didn't want, and I saw them try to take her, and clearly heard my doctor say "No, give her to mom."  Have I mentioned how much I love my doctor?  I got to hold my little goopy blue baby for a couple of minutes before they whisked her away to the warmer and I remember thinking a couple of things.  Ew, she's gross and goopy and I tried to grab her where I wouldn't have it on my arm, lol, and that she looked just like a Mia.  And like her sister. 

They took her over to the warmer and the nurse suctioned her where everyone gathered around to watch, and I listened to my doctor discussing stitching techniques with the resident who was watching, and wondered what was going on with my daughter because she wasn't crying.  They were rubbing her and had oxygen on her face at some point and I had this horrible feeling of dread that something was wrong.  I heard the nurses whispering Apgar scores and I know she had a 0 for something and 1's.  Turns out her first score was a 5, mainly because she was blue and too chilled out to fuss.  I had visions of her ending up in the NICU, having a repeat of my last experience, not being able to nurse her, not being able to hold her, being apart from her in the hospital, all the things I had feared.   

But as everyone kept saying, (my SIL was the only one who came over to check on me multiple times), she was just fine.   

Both of our Moms were in the delivery room along with my SIL Patti.  I really did lose all modesty after the twins I guess because I could have cared less who saw her getting pushed out.  I know especially for my Mom, who had never seen a delivery from the other side, it was an honor for her to be there. 

It took awhile for us to name her.  Like I had said, the first name in my head was Mia.  We had been down to Amelia and Elizabeth as our top two contenders, and right away, I saw Amelia.  I think Andy felt the same way, but we had to wait for the grandparents (my Dad had arrived by then and his Dad had been waiting in the waiting room) to clear out so we could talk about it.  Luckily, we agreed quickly and Amelia Elizabeth it was.  The grandparents came back in, helped us get up to the room and left for the night. 

We were up on the floor by around 11:30, and were briefly introduced to our nurse who was very busy because I don't remember seeing her again for many hours, when she came in during the night to check on our vitals.  They said they had 11 admissions on the floor that night (hello full moon), and I had a relief nurse who was the one who checked on me when we were still coherent, and I think that might be why we missed a few things that should have been in the welcome speech.  Like, all the goodies I got in the morning that helped with my, um, bottom repair.  Like, telling us that we should be counting wet and poopy diapers and timing our breastfeeding.  Andy and I were pretty much on our own, and didn't realize until the next day that we were supposed to be tracking this stuff, and that the little diapers we were using had a crazy little line on them that told us if they were wet.  I've never seen this modern technology, and we just acted like parents I think and dealt with things as they came up.  She nursed on and off all night, just like she was supposed to, just like we knew what we were doing.  I handed her off to Andy for diapers as needed, and we did the best we could.    

I sent DH down to the nursery to document her first bath that night.  They also did some other testing I think, and were going to keep her overnight.  Silly nurses didn't know that this Mama didn't want her out of my sight.   

Is that a Daddy in love with his little girl, or what? 

Miss Mia was a little concerned and grumpy looking quite a bit when she was awake, like she wasn't entirely sure what to think of us, and whether we were competent.  But she did look awfully cute in her monkey jammies that we busted out since they came to do the photo shoot from the hospital. 

The day after she was born, my parents brought Ben and Maggie up to see us, and to meet their baby sister.  I was so happy to see them, and when they started running down the hall when they spotted me, I think the feeling was mutual.

I was actually surprised that they weren't more surprised to find a baby there.  I guess they really understood what we had been telling them for months.  Being able to pick them up, hold them and be walking around less than 24 hours later made me very grateful for my VBAC and the nurse who wouldn't give up. 

Mommy with her girls.  

 This family shot made possible by a chocolate milkshake. 

And the next day they sent us home.  Crazy that it all happened so fast.  We took the time to play with the baby and take some pictures and try on some hats that Beth had sent us that she made for Mia. 

We hung around until after lunch so that we would arrive home during nap to lessen the confusion at home.  We got her all girlied up for the ride home, tried for a self family shot and left the hospital proud and happy parents of three. 

Welcome to our world, baby girl.  I hope it treats you well.